First Comes Love
by ya-fic
Summary: What happened in Jersey stayed in Jersey... or did it?
1. Beard

**Author's Note:** So it's like you were going to watch all your favorite scenes... only they're in episodes that haven't aired yet. You'll get some "Previously On"s to fill the gaps then you'll get all the good scenes in the Melissa and Joey love story line. I have never ever written sitcom fanfic, and I am by no means a master of comedy writing, but I love these characters and I hope they'll still sound like them even without the joke-a-second lines the real show has. This story contains spoilers from What Happens in Jersey. In fact, it picks up where Part 2 left off. Let me know if I should give up while I'm ahead or if you'd maybe like to read more :)

* * *

******JOE** (V.O.)  
Previously, on Melissa and Joey...

**_INT. _****JOE**'S ROOM - NIGHT

_Joe is throwing random belongings into a cardboard box._  
_Lennox and Ryder burst in._

******LENNOX**  
Hey, what happened?

******JOE**  
What happened? What happened is I'm  
an idiot. I thought I could come in  
here like some fairy tale hero and  
sweep Mel off her feet when the  
truth is... she already has her own  
personal... Prince Charming.

_He continues to toss stuff into the box._

******RYDER**  
Wait. Back up. I'm confused.

_Lennox and Joe look at him._

******RYDER**  
Where did you get that huge box?

_Lennox rolls her eyes._

******LENNOX**  
And, more importantly, do you  
really think running away is going  
to solve anything?

_**CUT TO:**_

_**INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT**_

_Mel and Joe fight a tug-o-war over his box._

******MEL**  
Austin came over here all on his  
own. I didn't call him. I didn't  
ask him here. He just showed up.

******JOE**  
Great. Lucky you.

******MEL**  
He just hit me with this news that  
he wants to have a family. With me.

******JOE**  
Awesome. Cool. Let go of my box.

_He tugs and the box falls to the floor, spilling random_  
_belongings. They both bend over to collect them._

******JOE**  
Nice job, Burke.

******MEL**  
Me? I'm the one who was holding on  
to the box. You're the one who  
pulled it away.

******JOE**  
No, I was holding; you were pulling.

******MEL**  
Fine, whatever. Can we please talk?  
Will you please just listen?

******JOE**  
To what? The sound of you breaking  
my heart? No, thanks.

_Mel stops picking stuff up. She stares at him. He also looks_  
_surprised that he's said it._

******MEL**  
That's not funny, Joe.

_He looks down into the repacked box._

******JOE**  
Trust me, I'm aware.

_She's speechless. He looks her in the eye again._

******JOE**  
Goodbye, Mel.

_Joe storms out of the kitchen. Mel doesn't move._

**_CUT TO:_**

**INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY**

_Joe, with a whole lot of stubble and wearing a sloppy track_  
_suit, stands with a cart talking to Austin, looking as clean_  
_cut and put together as ever._

**AUSTIN**  
So it was nice to run into you like  
this. Mel has hired and fired four  
housekeepers since you left-

******JOE**  
I've only been gone a month.

**AUSTIN**  
Exactly. So if you ever want a job  
again, I'm sure Mel would-

******JOE**  
You know, man, I don't think that's  
going to happen.

_Austin nods. A beat as he reaches into this pocket and pulls_  
_out a ring box._

**AUSTIN**  
Check this out.

_Austin opens the box to reveal a big, sparkly engagement_  
_ring. Joe's jaw drops a little. Austin grins._

**AUSTIN**  
I'm proposing. Tonight. I got  
reservations at that fancy little  
Greek place Mel loves.

_Joe stares at him, shocked._

**_CUT TO:_**

**_INT. FANCY LITTLE GREEK RESTAURANT - NIGHT_**

_Austin and Mel sit at a table. Austin gets down on one knee._  
_Joe walks in just in time to see..._

**AUSTIN**  
Melanie Burke, will you marry me?

_**FADE OUT**_

_**INT. ****JOE**'S APARTMENT - DAY_

_****__Super: Two and a Half Months Later..._

_The studio apartment is a wreck. Unpacked boxes lay all_  
_around. Take out boxes litter the kitchen counter. Clothes_  
_are strewn about a bed in the background. In the foreground,_  
_a couch and TV hold papers and folders._

_Joe sits on the couch with a laptop next to him. He looks_  
_terrible. He wears a bathrobe and has grown out a (ick) full_  
_beard. A ding on his computer signals an email. He reaches_  
_over and types for a few seconds then closes the laptop._

_He digs down deep into the couch cushions and pulls out the_  
_TV remote. He switches it on to catch some theme music._

**ANNOUNCER (O.S.)**  
Thank you for joining us today for  
The Young and the Beautiful.

_The theme music swells._

**MAN (O.S.)**  
Run away with me.

**WOMAN (O.S.)**  
What about my fiancé?

**MAN (O.S.)**  
He could never love you the way  
that I love you.

_Joe snarls and cuts off the TV then shoves the remote deeper_  
_into the couch. He pulls out a stick of half eaten beef_  
_jerky. He takes a bite. A knock sounds at his door._

******JOE**  
No one's home.

_Another pounding._

******JOE**  
I said-

******LENNOX** (O.S.)  
Joe? It's Lennox-

******RYDER** (O.S.)  
And Ryder.

******LENNOX** (O.S.)  
Let us in. Now.

_Joe looks at the door, but doesn't move. He takes another_  
_bite of jerky and chews defiantly._

**_INT. HALLWAY - DAY_**

_Ryder and Lennox stand in front of the door._

**LENNOX**  
Come on, Joe.

_She bangs again._

**LENNOX**  
Let us in.

**RYDER**  
Or we'll...

_He looks to Lennox who raises her eyebrows._

**RYDER**  
Or we'll come back later.

_Lennox groans at his lame threat._

**LENNOX**  
Let us in or we'll... unleash  
plague and pestilence.

_The door opens. Joe stands before them, his bathrobe falling_  
_open to reveal a white tank top and sweats._

**JOE**  
_(points to Ryder)_  
You, too mild.  
_(points to Lennox)_  
And, you? Too much. Way too much.  
Plague and pestilence? Seriously?

**LENNOX**  
Whatever, Unibomber, just tell us  
what you've done with Joe or find  
out what other apocalyptic horsemen  
I've got on speed dial.

_Lennox pushes past him and drags Ryder into the apartment._  
_Joe closes the door as the siblings turn to him._

**RYDER**  
Seriously, dude, this is not a good  
look for you. It's like Jersey  
Shore meets-

**LENNOX**  
Duck Dynasty. Ew.

**JOE**  
Okay. If the two of you are done,  
my stories are just starting so-

**LENNOX**  
Your what now?

**JOE**  
My stories. My shows.

_Lennox glances at Ryder who shrugs._

**RYDER**  
Oh... I think he means soap operas.

**LENNOX**  
Soaps? You're watching soaps? This  
is even worse than I thought.

**RYDER**  
Now that you're gone, I'm home  
alone all day, too, man, but you  
still wouldn't catch me watching a  
soap opera.

**LENNOX**  
That's because we're too busy  
catching you watching porn.

**RYDER**  
I don't... that isn't... Can we  
just focus on Joe and that giant  
animal living on his face?

_Joe scratches his bears and rolls his eyes._

**LENNOX**  
Right. Joe, you and your furry  
friend need to have a seat.

_Joe shakes his head, but when Lennox takes a menacing step_  
_toward him, he sits down on the couch. Lennox sits next to_  
_him and faces him. Ryder positions himself on the couch arm._

**LENNOX**  
_(to Ryder)_  
Ready?

_Ryder nods and pulls a scrap of paper out of his pocket._

**RYDER**  
Joe, your moving out two and a half  
months ago has negatively affected  
my life in the following ways...

**JOE**  
What? An intervention?! Don't you  
think this is a little excessive?

**LENNOX**  
Joe, it's Ryder's turn to talk.

**JOE**  
_(flippant, to Ryder)_  
Oh, sorry... you were saying...  
you're so miserable because...

**RYDER**  
_(reading)_  
While you've been in touch by  
email, your participation in my  
education as an actual person and  
teacher was invaluable to me.

**JOE**  
Ryder, without me there, you  
actually got ahead on your work.

**LENNOX**  
Let him finish, Joe.

_Joe folds his arms._

**RYDER**  
Without the nourishment your  
cooking provided, I'm practically  
wasting away.

**JOE**  
Oh, I don't know. It looks like  
you've put on a couple pounds to  
me.

**RYDER**  
Because all Aunt Mel feeds us is  
pizza!

**LENNOX**  
Literally.

**RYDER**  
Every night.

**JOE**  
Wow, sounds like every teenager's  
worst nightmare.

_Ryder looks down at his paper._

**RYDER**  
And just, in general, I really miss  
having you around, man.

_Joe sighs, touched._

**JOE**  
I miss you, too, buddy, but-

**LENNOX**  
Okay, my turn. When we first met,  
Joe, you could get any girl you  
wanted and... you usually did.

_Joe chuckles and nods._

**JOE**  
Yeah, I did. Wait, did?

**LENNOX**  
Then, at some point, you fell for  
Aunt Mel, and suddenly you started  
overlooking all those other women  
and sabotaging every relationship  
that presented itself. And not just  
yours. Hers, too.

**JOE**  
I wouldn't say I sabotaged-

**LENNOX**  
Whether you'd say it or not... you  
still did it. And then... you "did  
it." You know, with Aunt Mel.

_Lennox and Ryder both shudder._

**JOE**  
Okay... that's so inappropriate.

**RYDER**  
And gross.

**LENNOX**  
You know what else is inappropriate  
and gross? You ditching Aunt Mel...  
without ever telling her how you  
really feel.

**JOE**  
Felt. How I really felt.

**LENNOX**  
If it were "felt," you wouldn't  
need this intervention.

**RYDER**  
And you wouldn't have that beard.

**JOE**  
Hey, it's Lennox's time to talk.

_Ryder rolls his eyes._

**LENNOX**  
I know she hurt you by getting back  
together with Austin on the same  
night you were ready to give her  
your heart, but... it's her loss.

**RYDER**  
And your face's gain... but not in  
a good way.

**JOE**  
Okay with the beard jokes!

**LENNOX**  
She's the one who screwed up, Joe.  
Aunt Mel chose the wrong guy.

**RYDER**  
And now we're all suffering because  
of her bad decision.

**LENNOX**  
So, Joe, will you accept this gift  
we're giving you today?

**JOE**  
Uh... what gift?

_Joe looks around._

**RYDER**  
Us.

**JOE**  
Wait, what?

**LENNOX**  
Well, we were going to try to  
convince you to move back in-

**JOE**  
Not going to happen.

**LENNOX**  
But we realized that probably  
wasn't going to happen so-

**RYDER**  
We want to live with you.

**JOE**  
What?! Guys, no. No.

**LENNOX**  
Why not? I'll be eighteen in a few  
months. And I looked it up. As his  
sibling, I can petition for custody  
of Ryder. We don't need Aunt Mel.

**JOE**  
Even if I thought Mel would let  
that happen-

**LENNOX**  
It's not her choice.

**JOE**  
Look around. This place isn't even  
big enough for me...

**LENNOX**  
We could get a new place.

**JOE**  
I'm barely paying for this  
apartment with my online tutoring  
jobs. You really think I can afford  
to take care of you two-

**LENNOX**  
I'm going to college in Toledo.

**JOE**  
But-

**LENNOX**  
I got a full scholarship.

**JOE**  
That's great! Wow, Lennox-

**LENNOX**  
It includes a housing allowance-

**JOE**  
For a dorm.

**LENNOX**  
For on- or off-campus housing.

**RYDER**  
And I could just stick with home  
school. All the time I spend  
sitting around bored at home-

**LENNOX**  
I.e., watching porn.

**RYDER**  
_(ignoring her)_  
I could be working part time.

**JOE**  
Guys, I'm flattered. I'm honored.  
But Mel loves you and-

**LENNOX**  
And you love her. If she can break  
your heart, we have no problem  
breaking hers.

**JOE**  
I actually never said I loved  
her...

**LENNOX**  
Well, you're free to deny it.

_She folds her arms and stares him down. He is silent._

**LENNOX**  
That's what I thought.

**JOE**  
Whatever my feelings are or  
aren't... were or weren't... that  
doesn't mean I would ever try to  
take you guys from Mel.

**RYDER**  
She's so focused on planning her  
wedding to Austin the automaton,  
she probably wouldn't even notice  
we're gone.

**JOE**  
Planning her wedding?

_Lennox nods._

**JOE**  
They just got engaged.

**LENNOX**  
Two months ago.

**JOE**  
Sure, but aren't people usually  
engaged for, like, years?

**RYDER**  
They're getting married in two  
weeks, Joe.

**JOE**  
Two weeks? That's so... quick.

**RYDER**  
Yeah, well, you know what they say:  
first comes love, then comes  
marriage, then comes-

_Lennox elbows Ryder. He suppresses a moan of pain. They_  
_exchange a look._

**JOE**  
What? What's that look for.

_Lennox glares at Ryder. Ryder nods to Joe._

**LENNOX**  
Okay... Uh...

_Lennox puts her hands gently on Joe's._

**LENNOX**  
I think Aunt Mel may be-

**RYDER**  
Lennox found a pregnancy test in  
Aunt Mel's bathroom when she snuck  
in to look for-

**LENNOX**  
Not important.

**JOE**  
Went in to look for what?

**LENNOX**  
Lady items.

**RYDER**  
Condoms.

_Another elbow hits Ryder._

**JOE**  
What? No. No, no, no. I thought  
Zander was out-

**RYDER**  
Now he's back in. If you know what  
I mean.

**LENNOX**  
Inappropriate!

**JOE**  
And gross.

_Lennox turns around and punches Ryder in the stomach. He_  
_keels forward._

**RYDER**  
Come on, Joe. I need you around to  
protect me from abuse like this  
from my future guardian.

**JOE**  
You know, could we just rewind this  
entire conversation to when I  
opened the door? Except this time,  
instead of talking and telling me  
things, can one of you-preferably  
Lennox because I actually want to  
get knocked out-could one of you  
just find a baseball bat and hit me  
really hard right in the back of my  
head? I mean, Mel's probably  
pregnant; Lennox is trying not to  
be. The latter is good and all, but  
the former is...

_Joe sighs and stands up. He puts hands on each of the kids'_  
_backs, leading them up and to the door._

**JOE**  
I think I'd like a little time  
alone. I just... I have some stuff  
I need to think about.

**LENNOX**  
And some hair you need to shave?

**RYDER**  
And some lasagna you need to cook  
and freeze for my future enjoyment?

**JOE**  
Bye.

_Joe pushes them out the door. When it closes, they look at_  
_one another._

**RYDER**  
Think it was enough?

**LENNOX**  
If he shaves, I'll consider it a  
victory.

_Ryder nods in agreement as the pair exits._

**_FADE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK_**


	2. Vino

_**INT. ****MEL**'S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON_

_Mel sits at the table drinking from a wine glass. She is_  
_dressed from work, but has her shoes kicked off and tilts_  
_her head from side to side to stretch her neck._

_Joe enters through the back door. He still wears sweats, but_  
_has traded the robe and tank top for a (gasp) baggy t-shirt._  
_He wears flip flops. Mel jumps up and circles around the_  
_table. She grips a chair._

**MEL**  
Stay back or I'll...

**JOE**  
Release plague and pestilence? Or  
are you more of a death and famine  
kind of girl?

**MEL**  
Joe? Is that you?! What the hell  
is that on your f-

**JOE**  
It's just a beard! Dudes grow  
extreme facial hair all the time.  
Jim Carrey. Jeff Bridges. Even Ryan  
Gosling. It's-

**MEL**  
Great. I like it.

**JOE**  
You do?

_She walks back around and slips her heels back on._

**MEL**  
Sure. It's manly. What I was going  
to say, though, is "what the hell  
is that on your feet?" I mean, flip  
flops, Joe? You?

_He looks down at his toe-exposed feet. He shrugs._

**JOE**  
Look, Mel, we need to talk. About  
stuff more important than my flip  
flops and facial hair, all right?

**MEL**  
_(put off)_  
It's good to see you, too, Joe...

_Mel picks up her wine glass and takes a few tentative steps_  
_toward him. She takes a long sip._

**JOE**  
You're really getting married?

**MEL**  
You know I am. The last time I saw  
you-you know, before you wouldn't  
give me your new address then  
refused to answer my calls-was at  
the very moment of my engagement.

**JOE**  
You're getting married in two  
weeks, though. That's so...

**MEL**  
Great? Wonderful? Amazing?

**JOE**  
Fast. Quick. Ridiculous.

**MEL**  
Yeah, well, you know... why wait?

_Mel shrugs as she takes another sip and looks at him for a_  
_beat. Joe eyes the glass._

**JOE**  
Oh, hey, is that wine?

_She points to the glass as she swallows, but doesn't answer._

**JOE**  
Thank God.

**MEL**  
Thank God? Thank God what?

**JOE**  
Thank God... uh... Thank God you're  
happy. That's why I came over, you  
know? To make sure this is really  
what you want and... I can see it  
is so... I'll see you around, Mel.

_He turns to leave._

**MEL**  
Joe? Wait, hang on.

_He turns back, impatient._

**MEL**  
You race back from New Jersey only  
to immediately pack up all your  
stuff without letting me explain  
anything-

**JOE**  
You didn't owe me an explanation.

**MEL**  
Then you burst into the restaurant  
in the middle of Austin's proposal  
only to rush out just as fast-

**JOE**  
I didn't want to take away from  
your special moment, that's all.

**MEL**  
And now you show up here after  
ignoring me for three months only  
to turn around and leave again?

**JOE**  
Veni, vidi, vino, vici. And now I  
can go.

**MEL**  
You accused me of running away  
once. Have you considered maybe  
you're the one who's running?

**JOE**  
Have you considered that maybe I'm  
just... waiting for you to stop me?

_He turns to leave again. Mel grumbles, but sets her wine_  
_glass down and moves quickly to get in between Joe and the_  
_back door. He stops just before running into her._

**MEL**  
Better?

_He looks at her for a long moment then nods._

**JOE**  
Yeah.

_He sighs._

**JOE**  
I've missed you, Burke.

**MEL**  
Back at you, Longo.

_They look at each other for a long beat._

**MEL**  
So... I stopped you...

**JOE**  
Yeah.

**MEL**  
The least you can do is tell me  
what you're really doing here...

**JOE  
**Well... the kids came over with all  
these crazy plans and conspiracy  
theories, and I just needed to make  
sure for myself that... Uh...

**MEL**  
Make sure what?

**JOE**  
I dunno. Like I said, I guess. That  
you're okay. That you're happy.

_She forces a smile._

**MEL**  
I'm fine.

_He nods._

**JOE**  
Well, you look good. Great,  
actually. You're practically  
glowing. It's like-

**MEL**  
Okay, okay.

_She waves off the compliments._

**MEL**  
You said Lennox and Ryder went to  
see you? How'd they even find you?  
Or recognize you?

**JOE**  
I thought you liked the beard.

**MEL**  
That was before I saw it up close.

_She leans in and points._

**MEL**  
I think there's a Cheetoh... and...  
is that beef jerky?

_She starts to reach into his beard, but he slaps her hand_  
_away. She pulls it back and plays at being hurt. They smile_  
_at each other. A beat._

**MEL**  
So... how'd they find you? Are you  
still in Toledo?

**JOE**  
Yeah. It's just this little studio  
downtown. I had to give Ryder my  
address so he could send me his  
science project.

_Mel shakes her head._

**MEL**  
You fell for that? Sucker.

**JOE**  
They want to live with me, Mel.

**MEL**  
What?!

**JOE**  
You ignore them and all you feed  
them is pizza. Can you blame them?

**MEL**  
I don't ignore them! We spend time  
together every night. As a family.  
And the only pizza we've had, we've  
made together. As a family. We even  
had to put out a small grease fire  
once. And you know how we did it?

**JOE**  
As a family. I got it.

_A look of realization crosses Joe's face._

**JOE**  
They set us up.

**MEL**  
Mmm. Sounds more like they set you  
up. Double sucker.

**JOE**  
Yeah, I guess so.

_He glances toward the door. Mel notices._

**MEL**  
Uh, so, you mentioned "conspiracy  
theories?" Do tell.

_He chuckles._

**JOE**  
Well, there was really just the  
one, but seeing as how you're  
drinking that wine, I think it's  
pretty safe to assume you're not as  
pregnant as they suggested.

_Mel's jaw drops._

**MEL**  
What? No. There's no way they know.

_He laughs. She doesn't._

**JOE**  
That's not funny, Mel.

**MEL**  
Trust me, I'm aware.

_Joe's jaw drops._

**_FADE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK (What a perfect time to leave feedback!)_**


	3. Baby

**Author's Note:** Dear not-logged-in Sarah, thanks for not trusting me as a writer who would research important details like character NAMES and for not looking any further than imdb yourself. Thanks also for making sure my very first comment on my very first Melissa & Joey fic will forever get to serve as a memorial to your wrong-ness. It's like you're often-wrong MelANIE Burke to my right-90%-of-the-time Joe Longo. Except we'll never sleep together in Jersey. Oh, and log in next time so I can just PM you. (All in good fun; no actual hard feelings; please keep reading, guest Sarah)

* * *

_**INT. MEL'S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON**_

_Joe and Mel stand in the kitchen, facing one another. Mel_  
_still holds her wine glass._

**JOE**  
You shouldn't be drinking that.

_Mel hands over the glass and nods toward it. Joe sniffs it_  
_then takes a sip. He spits it back into the glass._

**JOE**  
That's horrible wine.

**MEL**  
But it's delicious sparkling red  
grape juice.

**JOE**  
Grape juice?

**MEL**  
Yeah, well, if I can't have my  
meds, I might as well try a  
placebo, right?  
_(whispered)_  
I'm hoping my stress won't notice.

_Joe sets the glass on the counter._

**JOE**  
Stress? You shouldn't be stressed  
right now either, Burke. Stress is  
bad for the, uh... the, uh...

_He gestures toward her stomach._

**MEL**  
Abs?

**JOE**  
The baby! Okay? The baby.

_Mel glances down._

**MEL**  
Yeah.

She takes a deep, calming breath. Joe shakes his head.

**JOE**  
I don't even know what to say.

_Mel nods._

**MEL**  
Good. Don't say anything.

**JOE**  
Mel-

**MEL**  
Seriously. Don't say anything. To  
anyone. No one knows.

**JOE**  
The kids do. Lennox found your  
pregnancy test when she went  
searching for condoms.

_He scoffs._

**JOE**  
Which is so ironic.

**MEL**  
That's impossible.

**JOE**  
No, I'm pretty sure I used it in  
the non-Alanis Morissette way...

**MEL**  
No, I mean... I've given Lennox  
more condoms than are  
mathematically possible for her to  
use in her entire lifetime.

**JOE**  
Maybe she was looking for something  
else, but-

**MEL**  
Trust me, no pregnancy tests have  
entered this residence. Lennox and  
Ryder played you. They just  
happened to be... right.

_Mel runs a hand through her hair. Joe looks at her_  
_carefully. He takes a step toward her._

**JOE**  
Am I nuts or are you failing to  
exhibit the proper level of joy  
over this "good" news?

_Mel glances down then back up at Joe._

**JOE**  
I mean, if you're worried about  
doing things a little out of order,  
don't be. You're marrying your  
dream guy in two weeks. The guy who  
came back into your life because he  
wants to have a family with you,  
right?

**MEL**  
Right...

**JOE**  
Just think of this as a head start.

**MEL**  
I know. It's not that. And I am  
happy. I am. It's just...

_Joe frowns._

**JOE**  
Austin not treating you right?

**MEL**  
Austin? Austin's perfect.

_Joe nods._

**JOE**  
Said me, in fact.

_Mel nods._

**MEL**  
Said you...

**JOE**  
Okay, so what's the problem?

_Mel narrows her eyes, about to speak several times._

**JOE**  
Spit it out, Burke.

**MEL**  
I'm going to have a baby, Joe.

_Joe smiles at her fondly._

**JOE**  
And? I'm waiting for the problem.

_She thinks. Joe tilts his head and narrows his eyes._

**MEL**  
And... I don't have a nanny!

_Joe laughs._

**JOE**  
I can help you find someone, but-

**MEL**  
Let me be clear: I want you.

_Joe raises his eyebrows._

**MEL**  
Joe, I know what happened between  
us hit you pretty hard, and I take  
full responsibility for that. I ran  
away when we should have talked it  
through. Because if we had, I know  
you would have seen it my way.

**JOE**  
I don't want to talk about this.

**MEL**  
But we need to. Because we didn't.

**JOE**  
Because you wouldn't.

**MEL**  
Because I was wrong.

**JOE**  
I thought you just said you were  
right.

**MEL**  
Wrong for running; right about us  
being wrong for each other.

_Joe tries to grasp that one. He shakes his head._

**JOE**  
Look, it's cool. You were right. I  
shouldn't have ever suggested that  
you and I...

_He gestures between them._

**JOE**  
I mean, being here with you today,  
Mel, it's like...

**MEL**  
Normal?

**JOE**  
Yeah. Like totally normal.

**MEL**  
Like... what happened in Jersey...

**JOE**  
Stayed in Jersey? Yeah.

**MEL**  
Yeah.

**JOE**  
Yeah. Okay. So.

**MEL**  
So...

**JOE**  
So... I hear you're hiring?

**MEL**  
You can drop off your resume at  
your earliest convenience.

_Joe almost falls for it. He smiles._

**JOE**  
So, how long before I actually  
start? Eight? Nine months?

**MEL**  
Yeah, yeah, something like that,  
but, listen, there's plenty to do  
before then, you know? Nursery  
remodeling. Baby proofing.

**JOE**  
You miss me bad, huh?

_She rolls her eyes._

**MEL**  
Oh, but there is one catch.

**JOE**  
Okay...

**MEL**  
As you may recall, we're a  
completely pet-free household.

**JOE**  
Okay, well, that's fine. I don't  
have any animals.

**MEL**  
Really? Because I think that thing  
on your face just moved.

_He glares at her, but he also can't help a smile._

**MEL**  
So you want to stay for dinner?

**JOE**  
Uh, sure.

**MEL**  
Great.

**JOE**  
To clarify, you meant, you want me  
to stay and cook dinner, right?

**MEL**  
Of course.

_He nods and chuckles to himself as he turns toward a kitchen_  
_cabinet and opens it up. Mel watches, her smile genuine._

**_DISSOLVE TO:_**

**_INT. MEL'S KITCHEN - AFTERNOON_**

_Joe and Mel stand in the kitchen as Joe cooks. The back door_  
_opens and Austin enters with a briefcase._

**AUSTIN**  
Honey, I'm... Joe?

**JOE**  
Yeah, you wish, pal.

_He chuckles to himself._

**AUSTIN**  
_(to Mel)_  
Is that Joe?

**JOE**  
Oh, geez. Am I really that  
unrecognizable?

_Joe looks to Mel who nods. Joe groans, but turns back to_  
_Austin._

**JOE**  
Yes, it's me. And congratulations.

_Joe walks over and sticks his hand out. Austin take it_  
_uncertainly and shakes. Mel rushes over._

**AUSTIN**  
Congratulations?

**MEL**  
On the whole engagement, wedding,  
happily ever after thing. He  
already congratulated me earlier.  
Guess now it's your turn.

_Austin smiles at Joe._

**AUSTIN**  
Well, thanks, Joe. I'm going to go  
upstairs and get changed out of  
this suit, but I can't wait for  
dinner. It smells terrific.

**JOE**  
So you're living here now, huh?

_He glances at Mel who looks to Austin._

**AUSTIN**  
Not officially, but... I take as  
much as Mel's willing to give.

_Joe gives a slightly disgusted look, but then forces a smile_  
_as he glances at Mel suspiciously. Austin starts to leave_  
_the room, but turns back._

**AUSTIN**  
You might want to put a hair net on  
that thing, Joe. Just... basic  
health department code, you know?

_Joe nods then snarls when Austin exits._

**MEL**  
What the hell was that?

**JOE**  
I know. Like the health department  
has jurisdiction over your own  
personal kitchen.

**MEL**  
Yeah, plus... why is he focused on  
your covered face when your bare  
feet are far more troubling?

_She grimaces at his flip flips._

**MEL**  
But that's not what I meant. You  
were trying to congratulate him.

**JOE**  
Yeah. So?

**MEL**  
So? So I told you not to say a word  
to anyone.

_Joe's mouth falls open._

**JOE**  
You meant Austin, too?

**MEL**  
I meant everyone!

**JOE**  
Your fiance... your very-soon-to-be  
husband... doesn't know you're  
having his baby?

**MEL**  
No. But if you keep talking about  
it in that loud Italian voice of  
yours, he might find out.

**JOE**  
Well, good, he should know. I mean,  
seriously, Burke. What the hell?

**MEL**  
You caught me by surprise today,  
okay? I let it slip.

_Joe nods._

**JOE**  
Yeah, I've been there.

**MEL**  
Ew, gross.

**JOE**  
And inappropriate?

**MEL**  
Definitely.

**JOE**  
Yeah, it's been the theme of the  
day...

**MEL**  
But, whatever, just swear you'll  
keep this between us until I'm  
ready to tell Austin?

**JOE**  
Sure, Burke.

_He looks down a moment then back up at her._

**JOE**  
And, since you won't let me say it  
to him, congratulations, okay? On  
Austin. On the baby. You deserve a  
fairy tale... and you got it.

_Mel smiles. Before she can say anything, Lennox and Ryder_  
_enter through the back door._

**RYDER**  
What is that heavenly aroma?

**LENNOX**  
Must be take out.

**RYDER**  
Or a shut in. Joe?

**LENNOX**  
You came! Oh... and you didn't  
shave. This is so bittersweet.

_They rush over to him, but Mel clears her throat. They turn_  
_to her guiltily._

**MEL**  
So, I hear you two are moving in  
with Joe? It's totally fine with  
me. The extra space will be great  
for... the nursery...

_Joe gives Mel a look._

**LENNOX**  
Okay, we lied.

**RYDER**  
A lot.

_Lennox turns to Joe._

**LENNOX**  
But some of it was true.

**JOE**  
Oh, I know.

_Mel gives him a scowl._

**RYDER**  
But we missed him. We missed you,  
Joe. God, and your food...

**LENNOX**  
And you two obviously needed to  
talk. I mean, look around; it's  
like everything is just like it  
used to be. Totally back to normal.

_Mel and Joe look at one another. Joe shrugs. Mel smiles. The_  
_moment is interrupted as Austin enters wearing jeans and a_  
_polo shirt. They all watch him as he goes to the fridge._

**RYDER**  
Totally normal... except that weird  
permeating awkwardness. That's new.

_Austin is oblivious. The other four look around..._  
_awkwardly._

**FADE TO: Closing Credits (for this "episode," but more actual chapters to come...)**


	4. Liar

******Author's Note:** Fast forward to another episode. Let me know if you like it. And, hey, if you do... tell a friend :)

* * *

******MEL** (V.O.)  
Previously, on Melissa and Joey...

_**INT. MEL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT**_

_Austin and Mel are under the covers, making out._

**AUSTIN**  
Let the baby-making begin!

_Mel pulls away._

**MEL**  
Do you mean that?

**AUSTIN**  
Of course. We're getting married in  
a week. Who's going to know? Let's  
go for it.

_Mel chuckles._

**MEL**  
What if I said we already went for  
it? And... we've arriiiiived.

_Austin's jaw drops._

**AUSTIN**  
You're... ?

**MEL**  
Uh-huh...

_She puts on a grin. He nods._

**AUSTIN**  
Okay. Okay...

_He leans back against the headboard. Mel watches him_  
_nervously._

_**INT. MEL'S KITCHEN - NIGHT**_

_Joe, still wearing the beard (and pajamas) and Mel, also in_  
_her PJs, sit at the kitchen table together. They share a_  
_slice of pie, fighting over a piece of crust with forks._

**JOE**  
Okay. I surrender.

_He sets the fork down. She takes the bite._

**MEL**  
You know, Joe, I want you to be my  
best man.

_He chuckles._

**JOE**  
She said, apropos of nothing... and  
pie.

**MEL**  
She said, apropos of everything...  
and everything.

_He looks at her for a beat. He smiles._

**MEL**  
What do you say? Joe Longo... will  
you be my best man?

**JOE**  
I would, but... I don't think you  
get to have one of those, Burke.

**MEL**  
Then-

**JOE**  
No, I will not be your maid of  
honor. Not because I don't think  
I'd look good in the dress.

_Mel narrows her eyes, but doesn't pursue it._

**MEL**  
Lennox has that covered, but maybe,  
since my dad can't make it to the  
wedding on such short notice, you  
could... walk me down the aisle?

_Joe raises his eyebrows, surprised._

**JOE**  
Wow. Yeah. Of course.

_She lets out a deep breath. He smiles reassuringly._

_**INT. MEL'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**_

_Lennox and Joe sit on the couch. Joe rubs his palm against_  
_his eye. He's stressed._

**LENNOX**  
You're not doing it, are you?

**JOE**  
How could I possibly say no?

**LENNOX**  
How could you possibly give her  
away to another man?

_Joe sighs and hangs his head._

**JOE**  
I don't know.

**LENNOX**  
And how can you be so... macho and  
manly... while also being such a  
complete pu-

**JOE**  
Hey, watch it.

**LENNOX**  
I was going to say pushover. But  
the other applies, also.

**JOE**  
Look, I have to do this for Mel;  
it's what she wants.

**LENNOX**  
What about what you want? Why is  
that so suddenly and totally  
unimportant to you?

**JOE**  
Can't answer that one either.

**LENNOX**  
You know, I used to think this  
tragic lovesick shtick was sweet,  
but now you're just starting to  
piss me off.

_Joe sighs dramatically. Lennox rolls her eyes._

**LENNOX**  
God, whatever, just remember, Joe,  
time's a'ticking. Once she says "I  
do," you don't have a chance.

_Joe stares at her as she gets up and storms off upstairs._

**_DISSOLVE TO:_**

**_INT. MEL'S LIVING ROOM - DAY_**

_Austin and bearded Joe enter from a run. Austin looks worn_  
_out while Joe has barely broken a sweat. Joe smiles to_  
_himself. Austin is out of breath as he speaks:_

**AUSTIN**  
So Kyle's got the bachelor party  
all planned out, and I want you to  
come, Joe.

**JOE**  
Oh, I appreciate the invite, but-

**AUSTIN**  
Mel already approved.

**JOE**  
I don't think-

**AUSTIN**  
Don't worry. For this event,  
there's no thinking required.  
Besides, Mel'll be participating in  
Lennox's bachelorette slash clean  
and sober slumber party at the same  
time, and I'm pretty sure you're  
not invited to that.

_Joe doesn't know what to say so he just nods along._

_**DISSOLVE TO:**_

_**INT. MEL'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT**_

_Lennox and a gang of thirty-something ladies are in pajamas_  
_and spread around the room slumber party style. Lennox sits_  
_close to Mel on a sleeping bag and leans over to talk to_  
_her._

**LENNOX**  
Aunt Mel, it's so cool of you to  
humor me with this slumber party. I  
know you'd rather be out drinking  
with the girls-

**MEL**  
Maybe "the girls" would rather be  
out drinking, but I'm perfectly  
happy right where I am. Thanks for  
the party, Lennox It's perfect.

**MEL'S FRIEND**  
Okay, Mel, your turn. Truth or  
dare?

_Mel groans._

**MEL**  
Fine. Truth.

_They boo. She shrugs. Mel' friend crawls over, carrying a_  
_Sprite bottle._

**MEL'S FRIEND**  
Okay. If you could spend one  
guilt-free night with any man on  
the planet, who would it be?

**MEL**  
Austin?

**MEL'S FRIEND**  
Ehhhh. Wrong answer. Someone other  
than your finance.

_The girls guess various celebrities._

**MEL**  
Gosh, I really have no idea.

**LENNOX**  
_(under her breath)_  
Said the liiiiar.

_The girls make further suggestions._

**LENNOX**  
Come on, Aunt Mel. There must be  
some guy living on the planet-or,  
hey, maybe even in this city or...  
maybe in this house-that you would  
get with for one night without  
Austin knowing about it. Maybe even  
in New Jersey or something.

_Mel narrows her eyes at Lennox who shrugs._

**MEL**  
Ladies, I hate to break it to you,  
but I'm with the only guy that I...  
need to be with.

_The girls "awww." Lennox rolls her eyes._

**LENNOX**  
Screw "need." What about "want?"

_The girls "wooo." Lennox looks at Mel with raised eyebrows._

**MEL'S FRIEND**  
Or, even better yet, who do you  
want to screw? How about Channing  
Tatum, huh? Or-

**LENNOX**  
Or someone more bearded. Like-

**MEL'S FRIEND**  
Oooh, like that sexy, lumberjack  
nanny of yours?

_The girls agree._

**MEL**  
Who? Joe?

**LENNOX**  
No, your other nanny.

**MEL'S FRIEND**  
So, Mel, one night stand with the  
nanny and Austin never had to know?  
Would you or wouldn't you?

**LENNOX**  
Oh, she totally already-

**MEL**  
Answered that. Did you slip some  
vodka into that Sprite bottle?

**MEL'S FRIEND**  
Guilty!

_The girls giggle and the game of truth or dare moves on to_  
_the other side of the room. Mel sighs and looks down. Lennox_  
_scrutinizes her._

**LENNOX**  
Aunt Mel?

**MEL**  
So are you going to braid my hair  
or should I do yours?

_Lennox looks at her with a scowl, but then sighs and turns_  
_around so that her hair faces Mel. Mel claps to herself and_  
_turns to begin braiding Lennox's hair._

**FADE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK**


	5. S-E-X

**Author's Note: **Thank you SO much to everyone who has read and taken the time to comment. Just a reminder that stuff you may see in the "Previously on Melissa and Joey" section was never in a real show and may not have been in my story either-those scenes are just a way to help advance the story while keeping you somewhat informed. Also, thanks anonymous guest for letting me know I had accidentally replaced my last chapter with a chapter from my Elementary fic. To anyone who hit that speed bump, sorry! That was probably really confusing :) The previous chapter is now fixed.

* * *

**_INT. STRIP CLUB - NIGHT_**

_Austin (with his polo untucked from his khakis), Joe (still,_  
_ew, bearded) and a group of guys sit around the stage._  
_Before them, a pair of stripper legs (attached to a stripper_  
_we cannot see) leaves the stage. The audience cheers._

_Austin, already very drunk, drags a chair over to a sober_  
_and uncomfortable Joe._

**AUSTIN**  
I'm glad you came tonight, Joe.

**JOE**  
(lying)  
Wouldn't miss it for the world,  
buddy.

_Austin grins and leans over to another table to grab his_  
_beer bottle. He takes a long sip._

**AUSTIN**  
You know, Mel wanted you to be her  
best man. Isn't that nuts?

_Joe nods once and looks back at Austin._

**JOE**  
Well, if I had to pick just one  
word to describe Mel, that'd be the  
one: nuts.

_He can't even pull off the jab within a smile._

**AUSTIN**  
I tried to tell her: the bride  
doesn't get a best man. I mean, if  
you're her best man, what am I,  
huh?

_Joe chuckles._

**JOE**  
What are you? Right now? I'd say  
"totally wasted."

**AUSTIN**  
Nah, I'm "totally good."

_Austin chugs the rest of his beer and sways in his seat. Joe_  
_scoffs as Austin flags down a waitress who offers him_  
_another beer. Austin gives her a wink as he slips a bill_  
_into the back pocket of her very short shorts._

_When she's gone, he takes a long sip of beer._

**JOE**  
Still going with "totally good?"

**AUSTIN**  
Yeah. Totally.

**JOE**  
Seriously, dude? I've never even  
seen you with your shirt untucked.

**AUSTIN**  
My shirt's untucked?

**JOE**  
Much less your part crooked.

_Austin looks horrified and reaches for his hair._

**JOE**  
I'm just kidding. Your hair's still  
irritatingly perfect.

_Austin moves his hand to wipe his brown in mock relief._

**JOE**  
But before the "sloppy" moves from  
your clothes to your drunkenness,  
you about ready to leave?

**AUSTIN**  
Leave? It's not even midnight.  
_(shouting)_  
And this is my last night of  
freedom!

_His buddies cheer and drink to him. When they quiet down:_

**JOE**  
You know, I never really got why  
guys always say that the night  
before they get married. I mean,  
are you going to jail? Are you  
being taken hostage? Are you  
entering into indentured servitude?

_Austin chuckles._

**AUSTIN**  
Yes. D: all of the above. But it's  
all good. Mel's worth the  
sacrifice. Don't you think?

**JOE**  
Sacrifice? Really?

**AUSTIN**  
Yeah, sacrifice. Really. Would you  
give all this up?

_Austin gestures around the club. Joe glances around._

**JOE**  
I'm going to have to say that Mel  
is worth more than this entire  
establishment and all it's, uh,  
assets so... yeah. Yeah, I'd  
definitely give "all this" up.

**AUSTIN**  
For Mel?

_Austin takes another long chug of another beer._

**JOE**  
Pfff... for Mel? No, I didn't say  
for Mel. Did it sound like I said  
for Mel? Because what I meant was-

**AUSTIN**  
Don't even worry about it, dude. If  
I were in your position-you know,  
a shamed, broke wannabe businessman  
who had to take a job as a  
nanny-I'd be jealous of me, too.

**JOE**  
Excuse me? Did you just say-

**AUSTIN**  
That you're jealous of me? Yep.

_Austin drinks more beer._

**JOE**  
I am not jealous of you.

**AUSTIN**  
Just of the fact that I get to  
marry Mel, then.

_Joe glares at him. He clears his throat._

**JOE**  
That's ridiculous. I want Mel to be  
happy, and for some reason I'm having  
trouble understanding at this particular  
moment, you make her happy. So, see,  
I'm not jealous; I'm happy. Happy for her.

**AUSTIN**  
Happy for her? Ah, Joe and his  
unwavering devotion. You're like a  
little puppy. A little  
yappy-happy, ha-puppy.

_Joe clenches his jaw._

**JOE**  
You're calling me a dog?

**AUSTIN**  
I'm calling you loyal. You do  
whatever Mel says. You give her...  
whatever she wants.

**JOE**  
She's my boss so...

**AUSTIN**  
I thought you were freelance?

_Joe shrugs._

**JOE**  
I'd like to think I've found  
something a little more...  
permanent.

_Austin chuckles._

**AUSTIN**  
I don't know. Don't let your resume  
get out-of-date just yet, Joe.

**JOE**  
Are you threatening to fire me?

**AUSTIN**  
No, of course not. I just know it  
must be tough-you know, for  
you-being around Mel and me all  
the time. You see what we have, and  
you want a piece-

**JOE**  
Trust me, Austin, I want no piece  
of any part of you.

**AUSTIN**  
So... just a piece of Mel, then.

_Joe's jaw drops in insult._

**AUSTIN**  
Oh, wait, when it comes to pieces,  
I think it's actually Mel who wants  
to have her cake and eat it, too.

_Joe smiles uncertainly and shrugs._

**JOE**  
The woman does like her cake.

**AUSTIN**  
Yeah, her beefcake. I mean, having  
both of us in the house... having  
both of us in... her life. Having  
us both... at her disposal.

Joe tilts his chin up and examines Austin a moment.

**JOE**  
We're not in competing positions,  
bro, okay? You're her fiance and  
I'm just... the nanny.

**AUSTIN**  
You wouldn't mind if she downsized  
and combined the two positions,  
though, would you?

**JOE**  
Meaning what?

**AUSTIN**  
Meaning... you want Mel.

**JOE**  
I want Mel... to what? Turn out the  
lights when she leaves a room? To  
stick with the online shopping  
budget I painstakingly mapped out  
for her? To maybe be just a little,  
teensy-weensy bit freaked out that  
Lennox is having all the sex she  
wants with that admittedly likable,  
but overly promiscuous, artist boy?

**JOE**  
Or... or, and this is good one, to  
give up her completely idiotic  
argument that alcohol is its own  
separate food group?

**AUSTIN**  
To sleep with you, Joe.

**JOE**  
To what now?

**AUSTIN**  
To have S-E-X with you.

**JOE**  
Did you just spell out "sex" in a  
strip club? You know, never mind,  
man. You're drunk and you're  
talking crazy, but tomorrow-

**AUSTIN**  
Tomorrow you're going to go from  
wanting to sleep with my fiancee to  
wanting to sleep with my wife so we  
should probably clear this up now.

**JOE**  
Okay, patience waning. You're going  
to need to shut the hell up about  
this because-

**AUSTIN**  
I'm sorry.

**JOE**  
Thank you.

**AUSTIN**  
I didn't mean to say you want to  
sleep with Mel. What I meant was:  
you want to sleep with Mel again.

_Joe laugh-scoffs._

**JOE**  
Where is this even coming from?

**AUSTIN**  
I don't know, Joe... maybe it's  
coming from the same place as you.  
You know: New Jersey.

**JOE**  
Jersey? What happened in Jersey?

**AUSTIN**  
Don't play dumb-even though it's  
not a hard act, is it?

**JOE**  
Wow. Booze really brings out the  
"tool" in you, doesn't it?

**AUSTIN**  
Don't change the subject. Mel told  
me everything that happened when  
she went with you to New Jersey.

**JOE**  
For example?

**AUSTIN**  
For example, how you made her  
pretend to be your trampy ex-wife-

**JOE**  
Made? Have you ever made Mel do  
anything? And, hey, Tiffany isn't  
that trampy. It's just the walk.

**AUSTIN**  
She also told me how your  
grandmother liquored her up.

**JOE**  
My Nona liquored us both up, thank  
you very much.

**AUSTIN**  
Then she told me how you took  
advantage of her lack of sobriety  
to-

**JOE**  
Now hang on. I would never-

**AUSTIN**  
Hook up with her?

**JOE**  
She told you that?

_Austin chuckles, but then frowns and shakes his head._

**AUSTIN**  
No, but... you just did.

_Austin takes another long swig of beer. Joe stares at him._

**JOE**  
I didn't tell you anything, and if  
you want to know something, maybe  
you should ask a direct question  
instead of beating around the bush.

_They both slowly glance up at the stage where a set of_  
_stripper legs prances around in front of them. They shake_  
_off the potential double entendre and look back at each_  
_other._

**AUSTIN**  
Fine. Is there anything I should  
know about your time with Mel in  
New Jersey? Did anything happen  
between the two of you?

_Joe takes a deep breath and looks Austin in the eye_.

**JOE**  
Austin, I gotta be honest and tell  
you that... nothing "meaningful"  
happened between Mel and me in  
Jersey. If it had, why would she be  
marrying you?

_Austin sighs._

**AUSTIN**  
Good point. Damn!

_Joe tilts his head._

**JOE**  
Why do you sound disappointed?

**AUSTIN**  
Because... listen, Joe. You and Mel  
are really close, huh?

**JOE**  
Yeah, the closest.

_Austin nods as Joe seems to reconsider his phrasing._

**JOE**  
I mean, you know, not as close as  
you and Mel, of course. But still

**JOE**  
close. Which reminds me, as the man  
walking her down the aisle, it  
might be my responsibility to make  
sure her groom is well-rested so  
why don't we settle up with the bar  
tender and-

**AUSTIN**  
But I really have to talk to you,  
Joe. It's super important.

_Austin gets distracted as the legs of the stripper get_  
_closer to the edge of the stage. Joe barely notices. He_  
_claps a few times to get Austin's attention._

**JOE**  
Super important talk: go.

**AUSTIN**  
Right, right. Mel's pregnant.

**JOE**  
Oh, uh... That's great. Congrats.

**AUSTIN**  
She told you already, didn't she?

_He smiles sheepishly._

**JOE**  
I sorta found out before she could.

**AUSTIN**  
Well, good, now I'm going to tell  
you something. Something you don't  
know. Something even she doesn't  
know. Yet.

**JOE**  
Eh... you sure that's the best  
idea? We just established she and I  
are really close-appropriately  
close, but close all the same.

**AUSTIN**  
Exactly. That's why I need your  
advice on how to break this to her.

**JOE**  
No. No way. I'm not getting  
involved in anything you have to  
"break" to her. You got something  
to tell Mel... then tell Mel.

_Joe starts to stand. Austin pulls him back down._

**AUSTIN**  
_(rushed)_  
I told Mel I reversed my vasectomy  
a week after we got back together,  
but I didn't.

**JOE**  
No. No, no, no.

_Joe covers then uncovers his ears. He thinks of something._

**JOE**  
Wait a minute. You haven't had your  
anti-daddy surgery reversed?

**AUSTIN**  
Oh, I have. I did it a few months  
ago.

_Joe tilts his head, but focuses on Austin._

**JOE**  
Why'd you lie to her? Especially if  
you were planning on having it done  
anyway?

**AUSTIN**  
She kept asking me about it, but I  
couldn't get an appointment right  
away. I didn't want her to doubt me  
so I told her I had it done when  
the truth was-

**JOE**  
Wait, hang on. You lied to her...  
in order to gain her trust?

**AUSTIN**  
Yeah. Genius, huh? Except now I  
don't know what to tell her.

**JOE**  
Okay, look, I've been there with  
Mel, and my best advice is don't  
tell her anything-at least, not  
right now-unless you want to ruin  
her wedding day.

**AUSTIN**  
So you're saying I should lie?

**JOE**  
No. I'm... I'm saying you shouldn't  
have lied, but since you did...

_Joe groans._

**JOE**  
This is why I wanted to stay out of  
it. My only options here are to  
tell you to roll with the lie or to  
hurt her by admitting you lied. Lie  
to Mel or hurt Mel? I don't support  
either of those choices.

**AUSTIN**  
Yeah, it's a tough call, but  
somebody's got to make it.

**JOE**  
Yep. And that somebody is you.

_Joe stands up._

**AUSTIN**  
Wait, hang on, if you can't help me  
with this-at least give me some  
dirt? Something I can bring up that  
will make this seem like less of a  
big deal.

_Joe offers an annoyed smirk._

**JOE**  
This is what you were fishing for  
earlier? Ammo to use against Mel?

**AUSTIN**  
Not so much to use against her...  
just, you know, a grenade I can  
toss off to the side.

**JOE**  
A distraction.

**AUSTIN**  
Exactly.

**JOE**  
Look man, even if I could think of  
something to counter your little  
while lie, I wouldn't tell you.

**AUSTIN**  
But, Joe...

**JOE**  
This is your mess, man. Clean it  
up... or don't. Your call.

_Joe gives him a pointed look then turns around to walk out._  
_Austin scowls then turns back to watch the stripper. In the_  
_background, Joe gets up and talks to the bartender. He hands_  
_the guy some cash, pointing out Austin._

**_DISSOLVE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK_**


	6. Banter

**Author's Note: **All feedback has been greatly appreciated and will continue to be appreciated in the future.

* * *

**_INT. CHURCH BACK ROOM - DAY_**

_Mel, alone in the room, stands before a mirror wearing her_  
_gorgeous wedding dress and holding her bouquet. Her hair is_  
_styled up; her make-up is perfect. She is beautiful._

**MEL**  
I do. I... do. I do. I do. Yes, I  
do. Of course, I do. At least, I  
think I do. No, I do. I do. Don't  
I? Yeah, I do. I dooo. I definitely  
do. I-I-I... I do. I do. I do...

**JOE**  
I think that's the one.

_Joe, looking sharp in a tux and (finally) clean-shaven,_  
_enters the room, closing the door behind him. He should get_  
_proper levels of audience cheering for his hairless face._

**JOE**  
Wow.

_Mel looks around, concerned._

**MEL**  
What?

_She looks up to see Joe for the first time._

**MEL**  
Oh, okay, wow yourself. Wow.

_They walk towards each other._

**JOE**  
You look... great.

**MEL**  
What? This old thing?

_She motions down to her dress then shrugs._

**MEL**  
Anyway, look at you, huh? On a  
scale from dud to stud, I'd give  
this a solid... dashing.

**JOE**  
Is that it?

**MEL**  
Are you familiar with the scale?  
Dashing actually trumps handsome,  
hot and hunky.

**JOE**  
No, I meant, no beard jokes?

_Mel shrugs._

**MEL**  
No beard.

_He chuckles and takes another step toward her, checking her_  
_out one more time._

**JOE**  
Man, you seriously look so friggin'  
amazing, Burke. That dress, that  
hair, that bride-to-be glow.

**MEL**  
Okay, okay. You don't have to sound  
so surprised, Longo. Geez.

**JOE**  
I'm just saying... if I had any  
idea you would look this hot in a  
wedding dress, I might have-

**MEL**  
Save the punchline, Joe, okay? This  
is not a time to banter and bicker.  
It's my wedding day, you know?

**JOE**  
Yeah... I know. I definitely know.

_They look at each other for a silent beat. She turns back to_  
_the mirror. He walks up behind her._

**JOE**  
Seriously, Mel, banter and  
bickering aside, you're beautiful.

_She turns back to him, eyebrows raised._

**JOE**  
No punchline, I promise.

_She smiles, her cheeks red._

**MEL**  
In that case... thank you.

_He nods. They look at each other for a long moment._

**MEL**  
And, hey, since we're being  
serious, there's something serious  
I wanted to say to you, too.

**JOE**  
Okay...

**MEL**  
I just wanted you to know that even  
though you couldn't be my best man,  
you're still my best friend, and I  
am honored that you're walking me  
down the aisle today.

_He tilts his head._

**JOE**  
The honor's all mine, but now I'm  
the one waiting for the punchline.  
Did you really just say...

**MEL**  
That you're my best friend? I know,  
the realization shocked me, too. I  
mean, I know we argue a lot, but-

**JOE**  
My mom says arguing is how Italians  
express their love.

**MEL**  
I'm not Italian, though, so-

**JOE**  
If your best friend's Italian, that  
makes you... Italian by proxy.

_She narrows her eyes, considering the logic._

**MEL**  
If we're both Italian, and Italians  
express their love by arguing, then  
we must really love each other.

**JOE**  
Yeah, like more than any two  
people-

**MEL**  
You mean two Italian people.

**JOE**  
Have ever loved each other.

**MEL**  
Right?

_Realization hits them as they look at one another. Mel_  
_shakes it off._

**JOE**  
Platonically speaking, of course.

**MEL**  
Of course. Hence, best friend.

**JOE**  
Exactly.

**MEL**  
I mean, it probably doesn't make  
sense to anyone else-that we can  
get along so well by...uh...

**JOE**  
By not getting along?

**MEL**  
Right. But...

**JOE**  
It works for us.

**MEL**  
It does. Which is why I wanted to  
make sure you know how important  
you are to me. There's honestly no  
one else like you in my life.

**JOE**  
_(cocky)_  
Well, how could there be?

_He straightens his bow tie and gives her a smug wink._

**MEL**  
Really, though, Joe. You get me,  
you know? You call me on my crap.  
You care about me unconditionally.  
You always have my back. And when I  
need help, you always come through.  
You're my go to guy in every way.

**JOE**  
I think that's the nicest thing  
you've ever said to me, Burke.

A thought occurs to him.

**JOE**  
And, hey, you know, I guess if I'm  
your best friend, you're my best  
friend, too.

**MEL**  
He says begrudgingly.

_She laughs and starts to turn away again._

**JOE**  
Hang... on. Hang on.

_He gently takes hold of her upper arm, turning her back_  
_toward him. He moves his other hand to her opposite elbow,_  
_tugging her another half-step toward him._

**JOE**  
It wasn't begrudging. It's just...  
I guess... whatever this thing  
between us has been, it's always  
been... fluid.

_Joe releases his grip on her and gestures between them. Mel_  
_looks down between them, scrunching her nose._

**MEL**  
Fluid?

**JOE**  
Fluid as in... changing and  
undefined. But "best friends?"  
That's really... definitive.  
That's... that's an expectation.  
That's a responsibility.

**MEL**  
But it's not an obligation so don't  
look so freaked out.

_Joe drops slips his hands into his pockets, rocking back on_  
_his heels._

**JOE**  
I'm not freaked out. Commitment  
doesn't scare me. That's you.

**MEL**  
I scare you?

**JOE**  
No. Well, a little. Like that time  
I found your secret stash of Thin  
Mints in the freezer and then  
innocently packed every last one of  
them in the kids' lunches...

_She rolls her eyes._

**MEL**  
I maintain that you ate them all  
yourself.

**JOE**  
Ohhhh... is that why you chased me  
around the kitchen with scissors?

**MEL**  
Girl Scout cookie season comes but  
once a year, Joe. Eat my cookies  
again and I will cut you.

_She gives him a mock stern glare._

**JOE**  
I thought you said no banter.

**MEL**  
I think you're confusing "banter"  
with "a promise." And since I scare  
you so much, you should be  
frightened into knowing I mean it.

**JOE**  
That's what I'm trying to tell you.  
I didn't mean I'm afraid of you. I  
meant out of the two of us, you are  
the one who's afraid of commitment.

**MEL**  
What? Me? I'm getting married. You  
can't get more committed than that.

**JOE**  
Unless you're getting married  
because you're afraid to... commit  
to... some...thing else?

_Mel looks down._

**MEL**  
Joe...

_He steps up to her._

**JOE**  
I gotcha something.

_She looks up. He pulls out a necklace. It's old and gorgeous_  
_with a sapphire setting._

**MEL**  
It's beautiful.

**JOE**  
You can't keep it, though.

_Mel tilts her head._

**JOE**  
It was my Nona's.

_Mel smiles._

**JOE**  
But you can borrow it. And it's  
old-my grandfather gave it to Nona  
on their wedding day... but you've  
never seen it before so it's brand  
new to you. Oh, and see that  
sapphire? It's really going to pop  
next to those baby blues of yours.

**MEL**  
Something old, something new,  
something borrowed and something-

**JOE**  
Okay, Captain Obvious, no need to  
save the world from subtlety today.  
Turn around, will ya?

_She turns back to the mirror as he steps up behind her and_  
_drapes the necklace around her neck._

**MEL**  
It's perfect. I love... it.

_He keeps his hands on her shoulders as he stands behind her_  
_looking at her reflection in the mirror._

**MEL**  
Thank you. You're the best not-best  
man ever.

_He smiles at her, their eyes meeting in the mirror. Joe_  
_slides his hands back down to his sides and puts them in his_  
_pockets again as he takes a step back from Mel._

**JOE**  
Talk to Austin at all today?

**MEL**  
No. We agreed that we wouldn't talk  
or see each other until... well,  
you know, until.

_Mel turns around to face him as they talk:_

**MEL**  
Everything went okay last night,  
right?

**JOE**  
Yeah. I think.

**MEL**  
What do you mean, "you think?"  
Weren't you there? You were  
supposed to make sure Austin made  
it home at a reasonable hour.

**JOE**  
To be honest, Mel, I had to take  
off early last night so...

**MEL**  
Oh, great. Was it Cinnamon, Angel  
or Destiny?

_Joe's brow furrows._

**JOE**  
What?

**MEL**  
The stripper you left with.

_Joe half-smiles and scoffs._

**JOE**  
I went home alone.

**MEL**  
Sure you did.

**JOE**  
Seriously. I don't know if you've  
noticed, but I'm kind of over that  
whole one-night stand thing. And  
I'm definitely over the strip club  
scene. That place was... sketchy.

**MEL**  
_(sarcastic)_  
Oh, great, "sketchy" is just the  
word I was hoping you would use to  
describe the place where you left  
my groom the night before my  
wedding. Geez, Longo.

**JOE**  
Kyle and his friends were there.  
And I gave the bartender plenty of  
cash to make sure they all had a  
cab home, okay? Have, like, an iota  
of faith in me, will ya, Burke? A  
second ago I was both your best  
friend and the best not-best man  
ever, and now I'm hooking up with  
strippers and ditching your fiance?

**MEL**  
Are you confessing?

_Joe gives her a look. Mel sighs._

**MEL**  
Okay. I'm sorry.

**JOE**  
So much for us not bickering on  
your wedding day, huh?

**MEL**  
It's just Italian for love, Joe.

_Joe chuckles then looks a little more serious. He lets out a_  
_long breath then inhales sharply to speak:_

**JOE**  
Listen, Mel, you're sure Austin is  
the guy for you, right?

**MEL**  
Why would I marry a man I didn't  
think was the guy for me?

**JOE**  
That's kind of the point of my  
question.

_Mel looks off, but then looks Joe in the eye again. She_  
_opens her mouth to speak, but a knock at the door_  
_interrupts. Lennox pokes her head in._

**LENNOX**  
Joe, we need you.

_Mel and Joe step apart, looking guilty and maybe a little_  
_disappointed the moment has been interrupted._

**JOE**  
What do you mean you need me? Don't  
Mel and I walk in together?

**LENNOX**  
Yeah, we're not quite there yet.

_Joe and Mel trade a questioning look. She nods for him to_  
_go. Lennox pops out of the door._

**_DISSOLVE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK_**


	7. Blankie

**Author's Note: **Thank so much for sticking with this story and for the many encouraging words! They have definitely encouraged me to continue writing :)

* * *

_**INT. CHURCH HALLWAY - DAY**_

_Lennox stands, looking cute in an ugly aqua dress, anxiously_  
_chewing her thumbnail._

**LENNOX**  
There you are!

**JOE**  
Of course, here I am. You just  
busted into the room, and said you  
needed me. So here I am. Now,  
what's up?

**LENNOX**  
I was talking to your face.

**JOE**  
Lennox, focus. Is something wrong?

**LENNOX**  
I think that probably depends on  
your perspective...

**JOE**  
My perspective on what?

**LENNOX**  
The fact that Austin isn't here.

**JOE**  
What do you mean Austin isn't here?

**LENNOX**  
What do you mean what do I mean  
Austin isn't here? Here and him are  
not geographically the same. His  
location is... somewhere besides  
here. He's. Not. Here.

_Joe slides his hand down his face._

**JOE**  
Great. I tried to get him to leave  
that stupid bachelor party last  
night, but he just had to enjoy his  
"last night of freedom." I swear,  
if he's lying dead in a ditch  
somewhere, I'm going to kill him.

_Lennox thinks about that for a moment then shakes her head._

**LENNOX**  
He's not missing; He's just... not  
here.

**JOE**  
So he's late. Big deal.

**LENNOX**  
You're missing the point.

**JOE**  
Maybe that's because you refuse to  
get to it.

**LENNOX**  
The guys were getting ready over at  
Austin's place, and then Austin  
suddenly tells the best man, Kyle,  
he's done. He can't do it. He isn't  
marrying Aunt Mel.

_Joe swallows. Uh oh._

**JOE**  
Did he say... why?

**LENNOX**  
Maybe to Kyle, but the message  
didn't exactly get passed on to the  
rest of us. Ryder was even over  
there with them, but it's Ryder so,  
of course, he has no clue what's  
going on. Oh my God...

**JOE**  
Okay, don't panic.

**LENNOX**  
Don't panic? What are we going to  
tell Aunt Mel? This is her wedding  
day. All those people are in there.  
And I already put on this hideous  
monstrosity of a dress.

**JOE**  
Okay, well, since you already put  
on the dress and all, I guess I'll  
have to go and persuade Austin...  
_(he grinds one fits into the_  
_opposite palm)_  
to get his ass down here.

_He turns to go._

**LENNOX**  
Hang on. I need to know something  
before you bother with a beat down.

_Joe turns back._

**LENNOX**  
You know that part in the wedding?  
That "speak now or forever hold  
your peace" part? What were you  
going to say?

**JOE**  
What?

_Lennox looks at him pointedly. He knows what she means._

**JOE**  
I don't think now is the time-

**LENNOX**  
Time? Joe, it's her wedding day;  
you're out of time. You can't-

**JOE**  
I don't know, okay, Lennox? I don't  
know what I was going to say. Just  
like I don't know what I was going  
to say a minute ago before you  
barged in and killed the moment.  
Just like I don't know what I was  
going to say when I speed-raced us  
back from Jersey. Or what I going  
to say when I walked in on her  
engagement. All I know is that... I  
wanted... to say... something.

_Lennox smiles._

**LENNOX**  
Really?

_He nods._

**LENNOX**  
Well... what?

**JOE**  
I don't know. Even now, I don't  
know. But something. I just...  
wanted to say... something.

**LENNOX**  
Something like... you love her?

_Joe looks down then back up at her. He inhales then exhales_  
_a long stream of air. He nods._

**JOE**  
Maybe something like that. Yeah.

_Lennox grins and squeals. She might even clap and jump up_  
_and down a little._

**LENNOX**  
And I thought it was adorable when  
you admitted you liked her.

_Joe frowns._

**JOE**  
Hang on there, Lennox. It doesn't  
really matter how I feel about her;  
she's in love with Austin.

**LENNOX**  
Oh, please. No, she isn't.

_Joe narrows his eyes._

**LENNOX**  
This whole thing with  
Austin-wedding, baby, et  
cetera-it's just one huge,  
gigantic Aunt Mel defense  
mechanism. It's a total deflection.

**JOE**  
That doesn't make sense.

**LENNOX**  
I think it does. I think it makes  
perfect sense. Aunt Mel is afraid  
to be with you because you're the  
one she wants to be with.

**JOE**  
In a word... huh?

**LENNOX**  
You know, like, when you're really  
little and you lose, say, your  
shoe. You don't care. You don't  
cry. You're not looking for your  
shoe. You're totally cool just  
hanging out in your stroller with  
one shoe on and one little sock  
foot flapping in the wind.

**JOE**  
Have you lost your damn mind?

**LENNOX**  
(ignoring him)  
But, then, say you lose your  
"blankie." Your life is over. And  
when you finally find that blankie,  
just let someone try to take it  
away to wash it. Why change your  
blankie when it's perfect the way  
it is? It's warm and wonderful and  
familiar and safe. You get it?

**JOE**  
Not really, but I assume you're  
saying that Austin's a shoe and  
I'm... a... "blankie."

**LENNOX**  
In a word... yep.

_Joe considers it._

**LENNOX**  
So you gonna go talk to her?

**JOE**  
Lennox, what can I possibly say to  
a woman who's two months pregnant  
with another man's child?

**LENNOX**  
What'd you just say?

**JOE**  
Oh, no. She did tell you, right?  
'Cause you just said that thing  
about... and Mel said... She was  
supposed to be telling you and your  
brother over breakfast this  
morning.

**LENNOX**  
Oh, no, she told us. It's just that  
you said "two months pregnant."

**JOE**  
Yeah?

**LENNOX**  
She's three months pregnant.

**JOE**  
No... two months.

**LENNOX**  
No... three months. She and Austin  
had a doctor's appointment  
yesterday for the first ultrasound.  
Mel told us all the gory and  
disgusting details this morning.  
Ryder almost barfed on his baked  
spaghetti.

**JOE**  
That's impossible.

**LENNOX**  
Not really. Ryder loves your food,  
and when he found those week-old  
leftovers, there was nothing we  
could do to stop him. He still has  
a little bit of sauce on his face,  
but I plan on waiting until after  
the photos to tell him. Wait, are  
there still going to be photos?

**JOE**  
I... don't think so.

_A beat._

**JOE**  
I can't believe this.

**LENNOX**  
He wasn't sick because of your  
food, dummy-although the week-old  
status does take down the tasty and  
amp up the sketchy a little bit,  
but he only got queasy because-

**JOE**  
No, I mean, she can't be three  
months pregnant.

**LENNOX**  
Well, she is. The doctor said she  
could start showing any time now.

**JOE**  
But Austin only had his vasectomy  
reversed two months ago. Are you  
sure she said-

**LENNOX**  
Of course, I'm sure. It was a part  
of this morning's debrief, and I  
have excellent listening skills  
while all you have is bad  
information. See, I happen to know  
for a fact that Austin had his  
vasectomy reversed right after he  
got back with Aunt Mel. You know,  
back when you weren't around and  
all her over-sharing was directed  
at me. Ick, by the way.

**JOE**  
No, no, no. That's what he told  
her, but last night at the strip  
club, he told me-

**LENNOX**  
Ew, his bachelor party was at a  
strip club? That's so trashy.

**JOE**  
Lennox, listen to me: Austin lied  
to Mel. He said he had his  
little... un-snip-snip right after  
they got back together, but,  
actually, he couldn't get an  
appointment. He only had the  
procedure two months ago.

_Joe's lip curls briefly. He shakes his head._

**JOE**  
And then he told me, knowing I  
would figure it out, so he could  
force me to be the one who has to  
tell Mel. Man, I hate that guy.

_Joe starts pacing the hallway._

**LENNOX**  
Wait. If Austin was shooting blanks  
three months ago, there's no way  
he's the father of Aunt Mel's baby.

_Joe continues pacing._

**JOE**  
Which is why he isn't here... and  
why he isn't going to be here...  
and why I have to be the one to  
somehow break this news to your  
Aunt Mel. Man...

**LENNOX**  
What a jerk. What a loser. What a  
coward. What a-wait a minute...

**JOE**  
What?

**LENNOX**  
If Austin isn't the father... ?

_Lennox raises her eyebrows. Joe shrugs._

**JOE**  
I dunno. I mean, who was she  
sleeping with three months ago?

**LENNOX**  
I can think of one person.

_She gives Joe a mischievous smile. Joe stops pacing. Panic_  
_hits his face._

**JOE**  
No. That's, that's, that's...  
that's not possible. That isn't...  
that didn't... that couldn't...

_He grimaces._

**JOE**  
Could it?

_Lennox folds her arms, her grin getting wider._

**LENNOX**  
_(a la Maury Povich)_  
Joe Longo, you are the father!

**JOE**  
Whoa.

**_DISSOLVE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK_**


	8. NKOTB

**Author's Note: **Okay, this chapter is painfully short. I'm sorry. Hopefully you can forgive me and enjoy a few more minutes of awkward (yet encouraging) conversation between Joe and Lennox.

* * *

**_INT. HALLWAY - DAY_**

_Joe sits on a bench in the hallway. Lennox enters through a _  
_set of double doors that lead to the church. REVEREND BOBBY _  
_can be seen before a church full of people._

**REVEREND BOBBY**  
Anyone need someone to save two of  
every kind of animal? Anyone? 'Cause  
I Noah guy.

_The audience groans. Lennox shakes her head, pulling one of _  
_the doors closed._

**REVEREND BOBBY**  
A priest, a rabbi and a minister  
walk into a bar. The bartender  
looks up and says, "is this a  
joke?"

_Lennox gets the other door closed then takes a seat next to _  
_Joe. _

**LENNOX**  
Ugh. Okay, Reverend Bobby's doing  
his stand-up act. Should I just  
spare everyone and let them know  
the wedding's off?

**JOE**  
No. Not yet. I have to talk to Mel  
first. See what she wants to do.

**LENNOX**  
Okay... so go talk to her.

_Joe doesn't move._

**LENNOX**  
Do you want me to do it?

**JOE**  
No. I should do it.

_He still doesn't move. A beat._

**JOE**  
You really think it's my kid? Is  
that really possible?

**LENNOX**  
_(awkwardly)_  
I don't know, Joe. Did you... you  
know... use... protection?

**JOE**  
I would like to say, for the  
record, I am not at all comfortable  
having this conversation with you.

**LENNOX**  
You are the one that started this  
conversation. Not me. And you think  
you're uncomfortable? I'm the one  
having the "did you have  
irresponsible sex that may have  
lead to a pregnancy?" talk with my  
nanny. I mean, shouldn't it be the  
other way around?

**JOE**  
Oh, it better not ever be.

_Lennox rolls her eyes._

**LENNOX**  
Don't worry. It won't be. You know  
why? Zander and I are honest with  
each other. We aren't secretly in  
love and subconsciously looking for  
any excuse to tie us together for  
the rest of our lives like you and  
Aunt Mel are.

**JOE**  
Yeah... you know... I think we  
should revisit the boundaries in  
our household.

**LENNOX**  
The boundaries in our household  
have long been blurred, Joe, and  
since I'm pretty sure you're still  
not ready to run in there and talk  
to Aunt Mel, I'm all you've got.  
So... protection: yes or no?

_He clenches his jaw, a momentary protest._

**JOE**  
Yes.

**LENNOX**  
And did this protection come from  
the early to mid-nineties like the  
rest of the stuff in your high  
school bedroom? Because, you know,  
those things do have a shelf life,  
and it's way, way, way less than  
twenty years.

_Joe's face goes white._

**LENNOX**  
Seriously? Condoms so old they  
witnessed a single boy band go from  
New Kids on the Block to NKOTB to  
obscurity and lame solo careers...  
to an ironic reunion tour?

**JOE**  
Why do you know so much about the  
nineties, huh? The New Kids took  
their first step... by step... way  
before you ever did.

_Joe laughs at his own lame pun. Lennox rolls her eyes._

**LENNOX**  
I hang out with tons of hipsters.  
And think about what you just said.  
Your protection was so old it could  
have prevented my own conception.  
What were you thinking?

**JOE**  
If you must know, there wasn't a  
lot of thinking that night. The  
only thing there was a lot of was-

**LENNOX**  
Ew, ew, ew. This conversation is  
already heavy on the heebie jeebie.  
Can you just keep all the intimate  
details to yourself.

**JOE**  
I was going to say alcohol.

**LENNOX**  
Yeah, well, you can try to blame it  
on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, but I  
think we both know-

_A text notification sounds from Joe's pocket._

**JOE**  
Hold that thought. Actually, you  
know, just... let it go...

**LENNOX**  
No problem.

_Lennox literally shakes it off. Joe pulls out his phone._

**JOE**  
It's a text from Austin.

_He reads it. He frowns. _

**LENNOX**  
What's it say?

_Joe hands over his cell phone._

**LENNOX**  
_(reading)_  
Nothing "meaningful" happened in  
Jersey, huh? Now who has to make  
the tough call? Have fun with that.

_She hands back the phone._

**LENNOX**  
I don't get it.

**JOE**  
When Austin asked me if he should  
tell Mel about the timing of his  
vasectomy reversal, I told him it  
was a tough call, but that it was  
his tough call. I don't get what  
he's doing right now. Does he  
actually know about Mel and me? Is  
he calling my bluff?

**LENNOX**  
It sounds a lot simpler than that.

_Joe raises his eyebrows._

**LENNOX**  
He's an ass.

**JOE**  
Nah, come on. He's a pretty good  
guy. And maybe he's the right guy  
for Mel.

**LENNOX**  
You're wrong, Joe. He's not the  
right guy. And fate is giving us  
all a big, fat, pregnant hint.

**JOE**  
If Austin isn't the right guy then  
who-

**LENNOX**  
You, Joe! Okay? Everyone knows it's  
you. No matter how well she gets  
along with Austin, she'll never be  
as happy as she is when she's  
arguing with you.

_Joe sighs._

**JOE**  
I still don't even know what I want  
to say... or what I should say.  
"Hey, Mel, Austin isn't coming, you  
know, to the wedding... oh, and,  
surprise, I might be the father of  
your baby."

**LENNOX**  
Maybe you should lead off with  
something a little easier to  
swallow like, "I love you."

**JOE**  
Nah. No. No. Hm-mm.

_He shakes his head. A beat as he glances over at her._

**JOE**  
Unless you have any inside  
information that she would want me  
to say that? I mean, do you have  
conversations like this with her?  
You know, about me?

_Lennox laughs._

**LENNOX**  
No. No way.

_Joe hangs his head._

**LENNOX**  
Oh, not because she doesn't feel  
the same. I think she does.

**JOE**  
You think? Oh, geez.

**LENNOX**  
It's just that her shroud of denial  
is so much thicker than yours.

_Joe stares at her for a moment; the wheels are spinning._

**JOE**  
All right, here's the plan: I'm  
going to go in there and be what  
Mel needs right now: her best  
friend. No talk of love, no talk of  
babies. Just one thing at a time.

_Lennox groans, but them sighs and nods._

**LENNOX**  
Fine. Whatever you think is going  
to cause the least damage. I've got  
your back.

_He nods._

**LENNOX**  
'Cause I know you've got hers.

_Joe smiles._

CUT TO: THE NEXT CHAPTER


	9. Ew

**Author's Note: **Not to be presumptuous, but if you've gotten this far in this story, I think you might like this chapter. Well, up until you say, "Dang it, Ryder!"

* * *

_**INT. CHURCH BACK ROOM - DAY**_

_Joe enters. Mel approaches him immediately._

**MEL**  
Please tell me the ice sculpture  
didn't melt.

**JOE**  
The ice sculpture didn't melt.

**MEL**  
Thank God. So what's going on?

**JOE**  
Well...

**MEL**  
Is the minister late? Did the  
caterer cancel? Is Kyle still drunk  
from last night's festivities?

**JOE**  
Austin's not coming.

_Mel laughs._

**MEL**  
Nice. That's good. I'm imagining  
that... so now you can tell me  
what's really wrong because it  
can't be anywhere near as horrible  
and humiliating as the groom not-

_Joe's not smiling. _

**MEL**  
Oh my God.

**JOE**  
Mel...

**MEL**  
You're not joking.

**JOE**  
No.

**MEL**  
Oh my God.

**JOE**  
You, uh, you already said that.

**MEL**  
Austin's not coming?

**JOE**  
Austin's not coming.

**MEL**  
Why not? Is he sick? Is he injured?

**JOE**  
Nope.

**MEL**  
Is he dead? He better be dead.  
Please tell me he's dead.

**JOE**  
No, he's not dead.

**MEL**  
Then why-

**JOE**  
He's an ass. Lennox's words, not  
mine, but... I don't disagree.

**MEL**  
This has to be a misunderstanding.  
Austin wouldn't just... I mean,  
there's no way... I need to talk to  
him. I should call him. Should I  
call him? I'm going to call him.

_She looks down at her dress where she clearly has no room _  
_for a phone. She holds her hand out to him. _

**MEL**  
Phone.

**JOE**  
It's not a good idea. This isn't a  
misunderstanding, Mel. Trust me.

_She still has her hand out. He sighs, but hands over the _  
_phone. She takes it and dials. She waits._

**MEL**  
Hi, Sweetie, it's me... Mel! Look,  
Joe's here telling me some crazy  
news and-What? It's all true?  
So... you're not coming? But...  
Uh-huh... What?... Hello? Austin?  
Are you still there? Hello?

_She takes the phone down from her ear._

**MEL**  
He hung up.

_She hands his phone back. Joe stows it in his pocket._

**JOE**  
What, uh, what'd he say?

**MEL**  
_(shocked)_  
Nothing really. He just said that  
whatever you're telling me is the  
truth, and that I should... never  
call him again. Oh my God.

**JOE**  
You already-

**MEL**  
Said that. I know. But what else am  
I supposed to say, huh, Joe? And  
what am I going to say to all those  
people... gathered here today...

**JOE**  
Hey, you don't have to say  
anything, okay? To anybody. You  
don't owe anyone explanation.

**MEL**  
And what about the gifts and the  
food and the-

**JOE**  
Don't even think about it. Don't  
even worry. I'll take care of  
everything. No problem.

**MEL**  
Of course, you will. 'Cause you're  
Joe and you're reliable and when  
everything else in my life is a  
total chaotic wreck, I can still  
count on you to be a constant.

**JOE**  
Yeah, a constant pain in your neck,  
am I right?

_She smiles briefly at his joke, but then shakes her head as _  
_her face falls into distress and her eyes well with tears. _  
_Joe moves another step toward her. _

**JOE**  
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey...

**MEL**  
This can't be my life. I mean, my  
life may be a little wacky at  
times, but it's not tragic.

**JOE**  
You're way too strong for tragic.

She wipes away a few tears.

**MEL**  
I'm having a baby with a man who  
basically just left me at the altar  
and told me not to call him again.

**JOE**  
About that, Mel...

_She's on the verge of a breakdown, very un-Burke like of her _  
_and it's pissing her off._

**JOE**  
Never mind. Just... come here.

_Joe hold his arms out. She shakes off the gesture at first. _  
_He beckons her with a "come here" head nod. She walks into _  
_the hug, putting her head on Joe's shoulder. He wraps his _  
_arms around her. _

_They stand quietly for a long few seconds. Joe rubs Mel's _  
_back comfortingly. He slowly slides his hand up to the back _  
_of her neck where he slips his finger under the necklace, _  
_tracing it around to the small pendant at the front. He _  
_pulls back to look at it, keeping one arm on her waist._

**JOE**  
You know, if you don't need  
something borrowed anymore...

_Mel reaches up to unclasp the necklace, but Joe takes both _  
_of her wrists and moves her arms down to her sides. He _  
_slides his hands back up her arms, stopping to grip her _  
_upper arms._

**JOE**  
I'm sure Nona would want you to  
keep it... you know, for forever.

_Mel presses her lips together and looks down. She takes a _  
_small step back from Joe._

**MEL**  
Joe, I couldn't.

**JOE**  
I insist.  
_(he leans in)_  
Nona insists.

_Mel chuckles._

**MEL**  
I'm sure she does.

**JOE**  
Man, I can't believe she's been  
gone for three months now.

**MEL**  
Four months.

_Joe tilts his head. Interesting._

**JOE**  
How do you... figure?

**MEL**  
Easy. That was mid-April. This is  
mid-July.

**JOE**  
Go on...

_She holds up a closed fist then pops up one finger for each _  
_month she names:_

**MEL**  
April. May. June. July.

**JOE**  
Really? That's... how you think  
that works, huh?

**MEL**  
It's basic math, Joe.

**JOE**  
Yeah... sure is. It sure... is.

_Mel looks at him a little suspiciously. A beat._

**JOE**  
So... I should probably head out  
and tell everyone.

**MEL**  
Do you have to?

**JOE**  
Yeah, I think I probably do. Unless  
you got someone other than Austin  
you want to marry today.

_She looks up at him, curiously. He chuckles awkwardly. She _  
_follows suit and laughs along with him. A beat. _

**MEL**  
I can't believe this is the second  
time I've almost been married.  
Granted, I was a lot closer this  
time around, but still.

**JOE**  
Maybe third time's a charm?

**MEL**  
Maybe for you, too.

_Joe cocks an eyebrow._

**MEL**  
I've been engaged twice; you've  
been married twice.

**JOE**  
You know, you haven't ever told me  
much about fiance number one.

_Mel folds her arms._

**MEL**  
And I'm not gonna.

**JOE**  
Oh, come on. You officiated my  
second wedding and you pretended to  
be my first wife.

**MEL**  
Well, not at the same time.

_Joe raises his eyebrows._

**MEL**  
Therefore, you don't get to hear  
about my first fiance as I am being  
stood up by the second one.

**JOE**  
Mmkay. Fair enough.

_He smiles. She smiles back. A beat as Mel drops her arms to _  
_her sides._

**MEL**  
You know, I didn't know I missed  
you. I didn't even know I cared  
much about you one way or the  
other, but now that you're back, I  
have to say, it's really good to  
see you again.

**JOE**  
I've been back for months.

**MEL**  
I was talking to your face.

_Joe glares, but the corner of his mouth reveals good humor._

**JOE**  
Oh my goodness. You and the kids  
really need to learn to  
appreciate facial hair of that  
caliber. That beard was awesome. It  
was amazing. It was epic. It was-

**MEL**  
It was no wonder you hadn't had a  
date since you moved back in.

**JOE**  
Hey, that's a choice, okay?

**MEL**  
No, that's a sign of the  
apocalypse.

**JOE**  
Yeah, well, if the world is going  
to end, I want to make sure I'm  
with the right woman, all right?

**MEL**  
The right woman? As opposed to a  
twenty-two-year-old who-

**JOE**  
Yes. As opposed to a twenty-two  
year old whose name I forget in a  
week. Okay, a day. Okay, an hour.

**MEL**  
Okay, you never knew her name in  
the first place.

_Joe grins._

**JOE**  
That has happened, yeah.

**MEL**  
Well, to be fair, she probably  
never knew your name either.

**JOE**  
Oh, she knew my name, trust me. She  
knew my name. She said my name.

**MEL**  
Are you sure she didn't just call  
you daddy?

**JOE**  
_(mocking her)_  
Yes, I'm sure she didn't just call  
me daddy.  
_(a beat)_  
Although that has also happened  
before, but only at my request.

**MEL**  
Ew. Your life... is covered in ew.

**JOE**  
Not so much anymore. I could use a  
little more "ew" in my life.

**MEL**  
Auwgh, double ew.

**JOE**  
Nothing wrong with that either.

_Joe chuckles. Mel forces her nauseated grimace._

**MEL**  
Well, now that women can actually  
see your face, you may have a  
better shot at the, uh... "ew."

**JOE**  
Yeah, and this is a straight razor  
shave, too. Smooth as silk, baby.  
Go ahead, give it a feel.

_He steps up to her, sticking his chin out._

**MEL**  
I'm good.

**JOE**  
Come on.

**MEL**  
No, I'm not going to, ew, touch  
you.

**JOE**  
Trust me, I don't want you to "ew"  
touch me. I just want you to feel  
my face.

_She smiles. Now it's a game._

**MEL**  
No.

_She folds her arms. He walks toward her, chin out. She back _  
_away, letting her arms fall down to her sides._

**MEL**  
Get that thing away from me.

**JOE**  
Said no woman to Joe Longo. Ever.

_She continues to slowly walk back from him as he pushes _  
_forward._

**MEL**  
I'm privileged to be the first.

**JOE**  
First and only.

**MEL**  
In that case, I'm happy to maintain  
my status.

**JOE**  
You can be the first and only woman  
to touch my newly exposed face.

**MEL**  
Oh, boy, does that come with a  
trophy of some sort?

**JOE**  
Come on, Burke, can you, for once,  
just let me win instead of forcing  
me to lay chase.

**MEL**  
Who's Chase?

**JOE**  
You know what I mean.

_Mel stops backing away and throws her hands up in defeat._

**MEL**  
Fine. I don't want to be  
responsible for forcing you to lay  
anything so... get over here.

_He walks up to her. She rolls her eyes and with put on _  
_nonchalance, she slides a hand along his jaw line._

**MEL**  
This is nice. It feels really good.

_He stares at her, his breath catching at her touch._

**MEL**  
Isn't this where you say, "Said  
every woman to Joe Longo. Ever."

_She lets her hand slide down to his bow tie as she adjusts _  
_it slightly and picks at a non-existence piece of lent on _  
_his collar. He swallows. She glances up. He's intense. _

**JOE**  
Like I said, I'm not really looking  
for every woman to say it anymore,  
Burke, just the right one.

_She's quiet, but stays close. This... is a moment._

**RYDER**  
_(bursting in)_  
It's all my fault!

_And this... is a moment interrupted._


	10. Relations

**Author's Note: **Thanks for the reviews... and encouragement to update. After this chapter, there will be one more chapter for this episode... then more fast forwarding gets to happen. If you read, please let me know what you think :)

* * *

**INT. CHURCH BACK ROOM - DAY**

_Joe and Mel step apart in time to see Lennox stumble into_  
_the room after Ryder. She grabs his arm and pulls at it._

******LENNOX**  
You idiot. Get out of here.

******RYDER**  
No. Get off me.

_She tries to pull him out of the open doors. He resists._

******JOE**  
Ryder, what's wrong?

**RYDER**  
I need to talk to Aunt Mel-

**LENNOX**  
No, you don't. At least, not right  
this second. So let's go.

_Lennox gives Joe an apologetic look and tugs on Ryder._

**MEL**  
Hang on. What's going on?

_Lennox releases Ryder. He goes to Mel._

**RYDER**  
This is all my fault.

**MEL**  
What are you talking about?

**RYDER**  
I told Austin.

******JOE**  
You told Austin what?

**MEL**  
_(to Joe)_  
Hey, can you please just let me  
handle this?

_Joe shrugs and nods for her to... handle it._

**MEL**  
_(to Ryder)_  
You told Austin what?

_Joe rolls his eyes. Ryder looks to Lennox._

**LENNOX**  
Don't look at me. This is all you.  
Go ahead. Tell her.

_Ryder sighs and puts his hands on his head for a second then_  
_drops them to his sides. He looks Mel in the eye._

**RYDER**  
I told Austin what happened in  
Jersey.

******JOE**  
What do you mean you-

_A glare from Mel stops him._

**MEL**  
What do you mean you told Austin  
what happened in Jersey? What  
happened in Jersey?

**RYDER**  
You know... you and Joe...

**MEL**  
_(playing dumb)_  
Me and Joe... ?

Joe and Lennox trade a look.

**RYDER**  
I'm so confused. Did you forget  
about sleeping with Joe or-

**MEL**  
What? I never... what?

**RYDER**  
You didn't?

**LENNOX**  
Yes, she did. Stop being so  
gullible. He knows, Aunt Mel.

**MEL**  
Why does he know?  
_(she looks to Joe)_  
Why does he know?

_Joe holds his hands up defensively._

**LENNOX**  
Because, back when we were all in  
New Jersey and I thought you two  
were actually going to end up  
together, I told him.

**RYDER**  
And then, this morning, when I was  
getting ready with the guys, I told  
Austin.

******JOE**  
Why the hell would you-

_Joe stops himself this time. Mel looks at him like "thank_  
_you" then proceeds:_

**MEL**  
Why the hell would you tell Austin  
about... that... unfortunate event?

******JOE**  
Unfortunate? Ouch, Burke.

**MEL**  
Hope you don't mind, Longo, but  
we're not going to be focusing on  
your feelings right now, 'kay?

******JOE**  
Fine. Fair enough. In fact, let's  
all focus on Ryder.

_Everyone looks at Ryder._

**RYDER**  
Okay, technically, since Lennox  
told me, I think we should all  
focus on her instead.

**MEL**  
You have a point.

_She looks to Lennox._

**LENNOX**  
Well, technically, if you hadn't  
had sexual relations with our nanny  
then I wouldn't have had anything  
to tell in the first place.

**MEL**  
Okay, and we're back to Ryder.

_She turns her attention back to Ryder, but then glances back_  
_at Lennox._

**MEL**  
Also, I never want to hear the  
phrase "sexual relations" come out  
of your mouth again. Understand?

_Lennox pushes her lips together and nods._

**MEL**  
_(to Ryder)_  
Now, you. Why'd you tell Austin?

**RYDER**  
He... he tricked me. He said Joe  
told him at the bachelor party. He  
acted like he was cool with it.

******JOE**  
Wow, that guy really is an ass. My  
words this time.

**MEL**  
Hang on. He said Joe told him?

_She looks to Joe._

******JOE**  
No. Noooo... Joe most certainly did  
not tell him. In fact, Joe was  
smart enough not to fall for that  
exact same trick.

_He glances at Ryder who grumbles and shakes his head._

**MEL**  
Wait, you're saying he already  
suspected... ?

******JOE**  
It was pretty much the same thing  
he did to Ryder. He told me that  
you already told him everything  
and, still, I, Joe, specifically  
told him quote, "nothing meaningful  
happened in Jersey."

**LENNOX**  
So... you lied.

_Joe and Mel glare at her. She puts her hands up defensively._  
_Mel turns her attention back to Joe._

**MEL**  
And why were you even talking about  
Jersey last night? Did all those  
strippers remind you of home?

**RYDER**  
Strippers? There were strippers at  
the bachelor party?

**LENNOX**  
Yeah. Lots of them. The party was  
at a strip club. Ew.

**RYDER**  
I think you mean "awesome."

**MEL**  
_(pointing at Lennox)_  
Hey, you, stop telling him things.  
And why do you even know that?

**LENNOX**  
Joe told me!

**MEL**  
_(to Joe)_  
Why, why, why? Why are you always  
telling people things?

******JOE**  
You're the one who brought up the  
strippers! And I didn't tell Austin  
anything about Jersey, I swear.

**MEL**  
This doesn't make any sense. Why  
would Austin even care what I was  
doing before he came back into my  
life?

_Joe glances toward Lennox whose eyes widen. She stays silent_  
_when Joe shakes his head and turns his attention back to Mel_  
_who is too far down the road of her rant to notice._

**MEL**  
And why would he even think... how  
could he even possibly figure  
out... How'd he know?

******JOE**  
I don't know, but the way he was  
sniffing around last night, he was  
definitely already on the case,  
Burke. I thought my brilliantly  
evasive answers put the idea out of  
his head, but... obviously not.

_He nods over to Ryder._

******JOE**  
I can't believe he took advantage  
of the kid like that.

**RYDER**  
Maybe you should talk to him, Aunt  
Mel. Tell him that what happened in  
Jersey meant nothing to you.

**MEL**  
No.

_They all look at her._

**MEL**  
If he's willing to walk away over  
something that happened a good,  
what? Twenty-two hours before he  
came back into my life then-

******JOE**  
Pro'ly more like twenty. Because,  
remember, we kind of passed out for  
awhile then...

**MEL**  
Oh, yeah...

_Mel and Joe share a brief nostalgic smile then turn away_  
_from each other. Lennox and Ryder trade a look of disgust._

**MEL**  
Regardless. It was four months ago.

**LENNOX**  
Four months ago?

**RYDER**  
Four months? Yeah, that's right.  
_(counting off on his fingers)_  
April, May, June, July.

**LENNOX**  
But that's not-

******JOE**  
What's important right now. Lennox,  
you're absolutely right.

_Lennox slides up to Joe and speaks out of the corner of her_  
_mouth._

**LENNOX**  
_(whispered to Joe)_  
You know that's not how that math  
works, right?

******JOE**  
_(whispered to Lennox)_  
Yeah. And I'm half of the fifty  
percent of the people in the room  
who actually understand that.

**LENNOX**  
_(whispered to Joe)_  
Meaning I'm the other twenty-five  
percent?

******JOE**  
_(whispered to Lennox)_  
Finally, someone in this family who  
comprehends basic mathematics.

_Lennox rolls her eyes and takes a step back away from Joe._

**MEL**  
I just don't get it. Whether it was  
twenty hours... or twenty minutes-

******JOE**  
Trust me, with my attention to  
detail, it never would've been  
twenty minutes-

**MEL**  
_(ignoring Joe)_  
It was still before he came back.  
And he didn't even talk to me about  
it. Why didn't he just ask me  
directly? I mean, who does he think  
he is? Columbo?

**RYDER**  
Who's Columbo?

******JOE**  
Think Sherlock Holmes.

**RYDER**  
Oh. Like Jonny Lee Miller... or  
Benedict Cumberbatch?

_Joe shakes his head, deadpan._

******JOE**  
Before that.

**RYDER**  
Oh, I gotcha. Robert Downy, Jr.

_A beat as Joe's chin drops to his chest in annoyance._

**RYDER**  
Anyway, I'm really sorry, Aunt Mel.

******JOE**  
Austin lied to you, buddy. You're  
not at fault; Austin is. Right, Mel?

_Mel nods._

**MEL**  
Absolutely.

******JOE**  
And you're obviously more of a man  
than he is. You're here today.

_Mel glances at Joe then back to Ryder._

**MEL**  
And, anyway, as it turns out, you  
actually did me a favor.

**RYDER**  
How? By single-handedly ruining  
your wedding... not to mention the  
life of my... future cousin?

Ryder gestures to her stomach before he begins pacing so  
that his back is to the double doors. Behind Ryder, Reverend  
Bobby opens the doors leading into the church. Behind him,  
all the wedding guests sit and watch. They can see and hear.

**RYDER**  
All because I opened my big mouth  
about you sleeping with Joe?

_A collective gasp grabs Ryder's attention. He turns his head_  
_to see the whole audience looking in. Mel hangs her head._

**MEL**  
_(to herself)_  
Oh, God. This isn't happening.

**REVEREND BOBBY**  
So sorry to interrupt. We were all  
wondering what the delay was, but I  
guess now that mystery's solved...

**LENNOX**  
_(addressing the group)_  
It was me. I'm the one Ryder was  
talking about. I...  
_(she almost gags on the words)_  
I slept with Joe.

_She loops her arms through his._

******JOE**  
_(out the side of his mouth)_  
You know that isn't actually  
better, right?

_Joe takes a big step, distancing himself from Lennox. He_  
_shakes his head, trying to look innocent._

**RYDER**  
_(to Lennox)_  
That isn't true, is it?

_Lennox looks at him like he's an idiot._

**RYDER**  
_(to Joe)_  
That better not be true.

_Mel walks around to the other side of Joe so that he's_  
_between she and Lennox._

**MEL**  
_(more to the crowd)_  
Of course it isn't true! I would  
never... let... my... nanny...  
sleep with... my niece.

******JOE**  
Nor would he-I... I would never,  
ever do that. For the record.

_Lennox moves closer to Joe who steps toward Mel._

**LENNOX**  
Guys, relax, it's fine. Joe and I  
aren't related... and I'm eighteen  
now. Totally legal. For the record.

**MEL**  
Okay. Enough. Let "the record" show  
that this is simply Lennox's  
misguided, yet very sweet-I love  
you, honey-attempt to cover... for me.

_Lennox gets even closer so Joe moves toward Mel again._

**LENNOX**  
Or is it Aunt Mel who's covering  
for me? Hmm?

_She plays up her question for the audience. Many people look_  
_around and nod along, buying Lennox's story._

**MEL**  
No. No. It was me.

_She loops her arm through Joe's and pulls him toward her._

**JOE  
**_(aside to Mel)**  
**_You sure it was you... and  
not Tiffany?

_Mel pretends not to hear him. Lennox grabs Joe on the  
other side and tries to pull him toward her. Joe resists_

**LENNOX**  
Nope. Huh uh. Joe's my lover.

_Joe's face sours. Lennox tries to lay her head on his_  
_shoulder, but Joe shrugs her off and pushes her away._

**LENNOX**  
Aunt Mel is the innocent victim  
here. Austin, on the other hand, is  
a complete and total jerk. He left  
her at the altar.

**MEL**  
Okay, that last part is basically  
true, but... I'm the one who slept  
with Joe. All me.

******JOE**  
Yeah, she did. And she loved it, by  
the way.

_Mel looks at him with jaw dropped, her arm still looped in_  
_his. He smiles._

******JOE**  
And so did I, of course.

_Mel's brow crinkles._

******JOE**  
_(softer)_  
You know, for the record?

_They continue to look at each other._

**LENNOX**  
Pfft. You guys are terrible liars.

**RYDER**  
No, they just aren't as good as  
you. Because even I don't really  
get what's going on right now.

**LENNOX**  
Because you're an idiot.

******JOE**  
Hey. Be nice to your brother.

_Mel pulls her arm from Joe's so she can gesture to him._

**MEL**  
See, would a nanny talk to his  
young "lover" like that?

_Lennox folds her arms._

**LENNOX**  
Fine. If you want these people to  
believe you're the one who slept  
with Joe... I guess you'll just  
have to prove it.

**MEL**  
Okay, fine.

******JOE**  
No, no, no. You don't have anything  
to prove here, Mel.

_Mel takes "center stage" and addresses the audience._

**MEL**  
If I had never slept with Joe...  
would I do this?

_She goes over to Joe and catches him by complete surprise as_  
_she grabs his lapels and plants a kiss on his lips. He_  
_starts to lean into it, but before he can make any progress,_  
_Mel pulls away and turns back to the crowd._

**MEL**  
And that's why the wedding is  
canceled. So... thanks for coming,  
but you can all go home now.

_Joe stares at her._

**RYDER**  
I thought the wedding was cancelled  
because Austin didn't show up.

**MEL**  
Well, yeah, that's the main reason...

_All the people waiting in the church stare at Mel with jaws_  
_dropped and various degrees of surprise on their faces. Mel_  
_smiles awkwardly, her face flushed. Joe stands in shocked_  
_silence._

**LENNOX**  
_(addressing the crowd)_  
I once heard a nun arguing with  
Swiss cheese over who was holier.

_Reverend Bobby laughs. Mel offers a fake chuckle. Ryder and_  
_Joe look at each other. What a friggin' train wreck._

_**DISSOLVE TO: COMMERCIAL BREAK**_


	11. Dream

_**INT. CHURCH BACK ROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE**_

_Everyone is back in their places from earlier. Joe, Mel, _  
_Lennox and Ryder stand before Reverend Bobby and the _  
_audience in the church. It's basically the same scene except _  
_way more overacted and much cheesier._

**MEL**  
If I hadn't slept with Joe, would I  
do this?

_Mel walks over and kisses him more dramatically, but just as _  
_disappointingly as before, she pulls away before Joe has the _  
_chance to kiss her back. His stare a much more lovey-dovey._

**MEL**  
And that's why the wedding is  
canceled. So... thanks for coming,  
but you can all go home now.

**JOE**  
Unless...

**MEL**  
Unless what?

**JOE**  
Unless there's some other guy here  
today who would maybe be willing to  
step in for Austin?

_Mel tilts her head._

**MEL**  
Step in for Austin? Some other guy?

**JOE**  
Yeah.

**MEL**  
Some other guy like who?

**JOE**  
Some other guy like... I don't  
know. Just, you know, some other  
guy... someone who knows you better  
than, well, pretty much anyone.  
Someone who thinks you're smart and  
hilarious and, I'll say it, hot as  
hell. Especially in that wedding  
dress. But also as a general rule.

_Lennox smiles while Ryder looks confused... along with Mel. _

**JOE**  
Someone who drives you crazy  
because, God knows, you drive him  
pretty friggin' nuts most of the  
time... but we both know what that  
translates to in Italian, right?

_Mel, speechless, stares at him._

**JOE**  
Someone who... who would always  
have your back. Someone who, uh,  
someone who loves you, Burke.

**MEL**  
Joe, what are you-

**JOE**  
Someone who wouldn't let you get  
away with starting a kiss like that  
one there a minute ago... without  
insisting he finish it.

_Joe steps up to Mel and grabs her by the waist with one arm _  
_and uses his other hand to pull her face closer to his. He _  
_looks her in the eye and when she doesn't stop him, he _  
_kisses her, moving both hands to her neck. _

_She kisses him back, wrapping her arms around his neck as he _  
_slides his hands down to her waist._

**REVEREND BOBBY**  
They realize we're all still  
watching, right?

_Lennox shrugs. Ryder just shakes his head, grossed out. _  
_Finally, they part just enough to talk... and it's _  
_melodramatic as hell:_

**JOE**  
I love you, Burke. And I would love  
to marry you. Right here, right  
now. Because I'm the right guy.

**MEL**  
But... don't you care that I'm  
having Austin's baby?

**JOE**  
You're not having Austin's baby.  
You're having my baby, Mel.

_Mel's eyes widen and she screams. _

**_END DREAM SEQUENCE_**

**_SMASH CUT:_**

**_BACK OF THE CAR - NIGHT_**

_Mel wakes up, screaming. Next to her, Lennox looks over._

**LENNOX**  
Are you okay?

**MEL**  
Yeah, it was just a dream. More  
like a nightmare, actually.

_Mel, still in her wedding dress, rubs her eyes. She glances _  
_toward the front see where Joe is at the wheel an Ryder is _  
_in the passenger seat. He catches her eye in the mirror._

**JOE**  
Well, the nightmare's over, okay?

_She chuckles._

**MEL**  
You promise?

_Joe raises his eyebrows curiously._

**CUT TO: **

**INT. MEL'S KITCHEN - NIGHT**

_The gang-Joe, Mel, Lennox and Ryder-walks in through the _  
_backdoor carrying various garmet bags and wedding gifts. _

_Lennox has a pair of jeggings under her dress and has traded _  
_her dress shoes for Chucks. Ryder has lost his tie and _  
_jacket and has his dress shirt untucked and unbuttoned over _  
_a white tank top. _

_Joe still has on his tie, but has his sleeves rolled up and _  
_his jacket off. Mel, though? Totally still in her wedding _  
_dress and heels. _

_The kids drop most of the stuff they carry onto a kitchen _  
_counter. Then head toward the stairs._

**JOE**  
Night, guys.

_They turn back as Mel and Joe unload their stuff onto the _  
_kitchen table. _

**RYDER**  
Night, Joe. And, hey, sorry again,  
Aunt Mel. Really.

_She waves it off and smiles. He heads upstairs. Lennox runs _  
_back over to Mel and gives her a hug._

**LENNOX**  
I love you, Aunt Mel.

_Mel squeezes her back gratefully._

**MEL**  
Love you, too, sweetie.

_Lennox gives her an encouraging smile then glances at Joe _  
_with raised eyebrows that say "you got this?" He gives her a _  
_wink and a nod. Satisfied, she heads upstairs._

**JOE**  
So, hey, you want to go get changed  
then maybe come back down for the  
movie of your choice and some Ben  
and Jerry's? I know there's a pint  
of Cherry Garcia in our freezer  
with your name on it.  
Literally-because I had to write  
it on there to stop the kids from  
eating it.

_Joe opens the freezer and looks around._

**MEL**  
That's thoughtful-

**JOE**  
_(over his shoulder)_  
Which part?

**MEL**  
All of it. Just you, in general,  
today. You've been thoughtful.

_Joe turns back, pint of ice cream in his hand._

**JOE**  
Yeah, well, I'll be back to normal  
by tomorrow so don't worry.

_Mel chuckles._

**MEL**  
I'm counting on it.

Joe holds up the ice cream which is labeled with "AUNT MEL"  
in big red, permanent marker letters. Mel smiles.

**JOE**  
So you in? Movie, ice cream and...  
me?

**MEL**  
Nah.

**JOE**  
Really? 'Cause I wouldn't mind a  
little fat and sugar right now  
either, I tell you that.

**MEL**  
You do what you want, Joe. I think  
I'm just going to go upstairs.

She heads to the stairs.

**JOE**  
Mel, hang on.

She turns back.

**JOE**  
There's something I need to-

**MEL**  
Whatever it is, can it wait?

He nods.

**JOE**  
Yeah, sure. Of course.

**MEL**  
Thanks.

She starts to go again, but turns back again.

**MEL**  
And thanks for having my back  
today. You really were the best  
man... like, by a mile.

Joe looks down.

**JOE**  
Yeah, well, that's what you  
deserve, Burke. The best.

She looks at him for a long moment. When he looks up, she  
stares back for a second more.

**MEL**  
Goodnight, Joe.

**JOE**  
Sweet dreams, Burke.

She narrows her eyes then shakes her head. Finally she heads  
up stairs.

FADE TO: CLOSING CREDITS


End file.
